How The Grench Stole The Season

This is what happens when it's late at night and someone is looking for any excuse to delay doing work.  I present the tale of next year's season, in Seussian verse:

[UPDATE: This is Uncle Roguejim reminding all the kids out there to just say no to drugs. Illegal narcotics should be left in the hands of the professionals, like Jeremy Jeffress and Stevie Ray Braun. --- roguejim]

HOW THE GRENCH STOLE THE SEASON

Every Fan
Down in Mil-waukee
Liked baseball a lot...

But The Grench,
Who lived just North of Mil-waukee,
Did NOT!

The Grench hated baseball!
The whole baseball season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his hat was too tight.
But I think the most likely reason, you'll find if you dig
May have been that his head was two sizes too big.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His head or his hat,
He stood there on home-plate, hating the Bat,
Staring down from his head with a sour, Grenchy frown
At the high-average hitters with their dumb Batting Crown.
For he knew every Fan down in Mil-waukee beneath
Was watching him not smiling, not showing their teeth.

"And they're hanging their pennants!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Next month are the Playoffs! They're practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grench fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep the Playoffs from coming!"
For, next month, he knew...

...All the Fans with their demands
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for stands!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Fans, young and old, would sit down to cheer.
And they'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
They would start on Prince Fielder, and then Ryan Braun
Who was someone at which The Grench couldn't help but yawn!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Fan down in Mil-waukee, the tall and the small,
Would watch the big umpire, start the first inning.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Brewers would start winning!

They'd win! And they'd win!
AND they'd WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
And the more The Grench thought of the World-Series-Ring
The more The Grench thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for twenty-six years I've delayed it 'till now!
I MUST stop the Playoffs from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRENCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grench Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Brewers Manager hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "Now the Brewers will be toast!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Ned Yost!"

"All I need is a pitching coach..."
The Grench looked around.
But since talent is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grench...?
No! The Grench simply said,
"If I can't find a pitching coach, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his friend Mike. Then he took some blue thread
And he tied a Brewers hat on top of his head.

THEN
He called all the bullpen
To learn to throw a strike
Told them all to listen
And he gave them to Mike.

Then The Grench said, "Get started!"
And Mike Maddox started down
Toward the technique of the pitchers
And the two went to town.

All the stadium was empty. No cheers filled the air.
All the Fans were home thinking that all was just fine
When he came to the first pitcher in the line.
"This is pitch number one," The big-headed Grench hissed
And he took up the baseball, palmed it in his fist.

Then he threw the white baseball. His arm it did wrench.
But if Coco could do it, then so could The Grench.
He got a strike only once, though Mike's zone is real wide.
Then a pitch missed completely, and went to the side
Where the young Brewer pitchers all sat in a row.
"These pitches," he grinned, "are the first things to know!"

Then he slithered and slunk, like some big-headed soothsayer,
Around the whole field, and he taught every player!
Turnbow! And Bush! Capuano! Parra!
Villanueva! Wise! McClung! And even Mota!
And he taught them all wrong. Then The Grench, he made sure,
Tested each pitcher, so no lead would be secure!

Then he slunk to the clubhouse. He took Fielder's feast!
He took the Cheese Curds! The Brats he released!
He cleaned out that clubhouse as heartless as a killer.
Why, The Grench even took their last can of Miller!

Then he stuffed all the food in his pack with naught a tear.
"And NOW!" grinned The Grench, "I will take all the gear!"

And The Grench grabbed the bats, and then all the gloves
When he heard a sound behind him, which no thief loves.
He turned around fast, and he saw a sad face!
Loyal Geoff Jenkins, saying farewell to the place.

The Grench had been caught by this former Brewers player
Who'd returned to empty his locker now instead of later.
He stared at The Grench and said, "Ned Yost, why,
"Why are you taking the Brewers gear? WHY?"

But, you know, The Grench was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my favorite left-fielder," the fake Ned Yost lied,
"This gear is old and needs to be fixed and resized.
"So I'm taking it off to the shop, good friend.
"They'll fix it up there. Then the Brewers will contend."

And his fib fooled Geoff Jenkins. Loyalty easy to exploit
And he gave him a handshake and he sent him to Detroit.
And while poor Jenkins went to Detroit to sit out games,
HE went to the parking lot and the gear went up in flames!

Then the last thing he took
Was Braun's rookie award.
Then he left the clubhouse, Brewers disorder restored
In the bullpen only fastballs, control was once again ignored.

And the one speck of hope
That he left in Miller Park
Was the foolish chance of resigning Brady Clark.

Then
He did the same thing
To the dugout and pressbox

Leaving odds
Much too small
To ever beat the Red Sox!

It was quarter to game time...
Ben Sheets' ears somehow bled.
The other pitchers warmed up,
When The Grench nodded his big head,
Took away all their pitches! The Screwballs! The Curves!
The Sinkers! And the Sliders! The Changeups! The Slurves!

Two thousand eight! They thought the team could do it,
But Playoffs were something he could not permit!
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" he was Grench-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Playoffs are coming!
"They're going to see soon! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Fans down in Mil-waukee will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned The Grench,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And The Grench put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the crowd.
It started in low. Then it started to grow loud...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared up at the scoreboard!
The Grench popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

The team down in Mil-waukee, pitchers and batters,
Was winning! As if Ned Yost hardly matters!
He HADN'T stopped the Playoffs from coming!
THEY CAME!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!

And The Grench, with his Grench-head spinning in the dugout,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without Cordero! With Yost managing games!
"It came without money, free agents or big names!"
And he puzzled three innings, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then The Grench thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe talent," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe talent...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Mil-waukee they say
That The Grench's big head
Grew three sizes that day!
He taught Derrick Turnbow to pitch good once more,
He watched Braun and Fielder each hit sixty-four!
They made it to the World Series! And Brewers finally won!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grench hit the winning homerun!