How to heckle the Cubs

just let the Cubs' fans do it, no reason to join in.

Dempster, Ryan - Known as an easy-going guy who constantly jokes around with the fans, ask him why he needs to have everyone's approval so bad. When he fails to answer, assume it's because he didn't get enough love from his mother and spend the next 5-7 years patting him on the head, assuring him that everything's going to be alright, now that Mama's here. Conclude the heckle by abandoning him on the street after telling him he'll never amount to anything.

Hill, Rich - Born "Richard Hill", continually remind Hill that his name is a homosexual man's paradise: an actual hill made entirely of dicks! Performing songs from "Xanadu" is a nice capper.

Marquis, Jason - According to Wikipedia, Marquis plays acoustic guitar for the final track of Nada Surf's latest album, "Lucky". Nada Surf, known best for their hit-song "Popular" in 1996, is a band that sucks. Let Jason in on this fact.

Marmol, Carlos - Nicknamed "Wild Thing" by Cubs fans because of the electrifying movement of his pitches, turn your heckling attention from the field and into the stands, berating the crowd for being completely unoriginal hacks, like another Carlos named Mencia. When someone suggests Mencia is hilarious, retort with a punch in the face.

Marshall, Sean - Before making the major league team back in 2006, Marshall spent time with the team's single-A affiliate the Lansing Lugnuts, who play in Oldsmobile Park in Lansing, Michigan. He was there until 2004, the same year General Motors discontinued producing the Oldsmobile, the line of cars for which the stadium was named. As such, don your Michael Moore costume -- a beard, an MSU hat, and 150 extra pounds -- grab a camera, and berate Marshall for causing America's economic downturn.

Pie, Felix - Relate to the young outfielder that the common phrase "easy as pie" comes from his heritage, specifically his mother, who was a slut.

Soto, Geovany - Calling him "Geovany So-so" might unnerve him a bit, but if you can find a way to compare him to "Toto" -- either the fictional little dog or the Grammy Award-winning rock band -- in a way that's not too convulted, you are a better person than us.

Halladay, Roy -During midseason surgery last year, Halladay had his appendix removed and left for dead. Dress up as his appendix and spend the entire evening asking how he could have abandoned you. Feel free to come up with a clever back story about growing up in an orphanage, running away to the San Fernando Valley, and eventually having to make ends meet by starring in homoerotic films like Appendicks!

Johnson, Dan - Addressing him as "Crockett" and inquiring about "Tubbs" should be sufficient fun for the fans in your general area, but take it up a notch by using an abacus to measure the playing time he's losing to young phenom Daric Barton. (my addition: also ask him if he's finally found that heartbeat he's been looking for)

Street, Huston - Fabricate an eyewitness who has first-hand knowledge that Street's first name isn't the only place that's one "o" short. It's also missing in the bedroom, if you catch my drift! (Your drift will be "giving orgasms to girls".)

Lee, Carlos - Did you know that his nickname "El Caballo" actually means "Elevated Horse Cock" in Spanish? Well, just assume it does and go from there. In order to get your sure-to-be-hilarious visual aids into the ballpark, disguise them as innocent inflatable bats. Bonus tip: A windbreaker and a few bags of popcorn can easily pass for a scrotum. Just ask your aunt, who is presumably a whore.

Shields, Scot - Just imagine Shields is one of those professional maids-of-honor, who just can't seem to land herself a man while all of her best friends find "Mr. Right". Continue the scenario by mentality envisioning that Shields (the bridesmaid) just spread a nasty rumor through the crowd at the wedding reception that you contracted herpes from a sibling. If you've worked yourself into a state of ample frenzied hatred, go ahead and pronounce to the crowd how you really feel about Shields (the bridesmaid). Just make sure to substitute the phrase "you'll die alone" for "you'll never be a closer".