You're a discerning baseball fan. You're an intelligent baseball fan. You can seamlessly work 'WAR' and 'wOBA' and 'FIP' into a barroom/restroom debate and impress the pants off of whomever you're talking to. You're ready to get your last fix of baseball before the long, cold winter of rampant speculation -- followed, of course, by the spring of irrational exuberance -- but, you're wondering: How do the Yankees and Phillies stack up against each other ... in matters beyond the box score?
You're in the right place, friend. After the jump: Yanks vs. Phils: The Tale of the Tape. (Note: we're required by federal law to note that this breakdown is for entertainment purposes only. However, should you choose to use this information in a friendly, handshake wager with an acquaintance: God help you.)
THE MASCOTS: WHAT'S A YANKEE? WHAT'S A PHILLIE?
YANKEES: Depends where you're living. If you're in the South, it's a person who lived in the Union during the War of Northern Aggression. (Er, Civil War. Sorry.) If you're in Europe, it's all of us across the pond in the States. If you're in Boston, it's an [CENSORED] with a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] who loves to [CENSORED] his [CENSORED] with a [CENSORED] like a typical [CENSORED] [CENSORED] and sometimes invites his [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] to join in, when he's not [CENSORED] [CENSORED] to pictures of Derek Jeter. [CENSORED].
PHILLIES: It's just an abbreviation of "Philadelphia." Lay-zee. I'm glad that trend didn't catch on; I wouldn't want to follow the Milwaukee Walkies. (Or Milwaukee Millies.) Though it would be fun to make fun of the Minnesota Minnies. (Side note to our friends in Minneapolis: send me a note next April from your open-air stadium. Give me an update on Joe Mauer's frostbite. I'm sure the sight of icicles forming on his sideburns will be stunning.)
YANKEES: To the extent that any Yankee can be underrated (and, at this point, I feel like I know more about Phil Coke (favorite band: Genesis, but when Peter Gabriel was in the group, not when Phil Collins took over the vocals and they started churning out crap like I Can't Dance) and Phil Hughes (favorite movie: A Walk In The Clouds) than I do about members of my immediate family), I guess it'd be Nick Swisher. Did you know he put together a 3.7 WAR year? (Yes, TheJay, I know you did. I'm talking about the non-cyborg members of BCB.)
PHILLIES: Chase Utley. Yeah, I know, he gets plenty of pub, but I've seen people (cough Jon Heyman cough) voting Ryan Howard ahead of Utley in the MVP voting. This, in a word, is insane. (Don’t believe me? Talk to Jordan. I believe he’s prepared a multi-volume treatise on this topic, in case you’re looking for bedtime reading.) .282/.397/.509 from a second baseman with plus defense? Yes, please. Where do I sign up?
NUMBER OF "TRUE YANKEES" ON THE TEAM:
YANKEES: Four. (Jeter, Posada, Pettitte, Rivera. That's it. The rest of yous can't hold a candle to Scott Brosius and Chad Curtis.)
TREASURED TEAM RELIC:
YANKEES: They've got a whole monument park. Pick anything out there behind the left field wall.
PHILLIES: Jamie Moyer.
PLAYER WHO MOST RESEMBLES A WWE SUPERSTAR:
YANKEES: This is tough. I'll be honest: I really just wanted to talk about the Phillies on this one. The best I could come up with is CC and the WWE's Mark Henry:
PHILLIES: Jayson Werth. I'll bet you a two-liter that he's moonlighting as the WWE's Edge.
Eerie, ain't it?
(Wait, hold on: I've got another Werth picture for you:
AWESOME. Kinda looks like Matt Damon in The Informant (sans mustache, of course), doesn't it? Jeyson Werth is like Hannibal on The A Team.)
BIG ADVANTAGE: Phils.
POLITICIAN/STATESMAN WHO LOVED THE LADIES:
YANKEES: Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.
PHILLIES: Founding Father Benjamin Franklin (though rumors of his demise due to syphilis are, reportedly, greatly exaggerated).
And, most importantly:
YANKEES: Besides CC, there's Melky Cabrera. He was almost a Brewer this season, although (legend has it) we would have had to take on the bloated corpse of Kei Igawa to complete the deal. (And, speaking of Igawa, here's a question I've been mulling for the past 12 seconds: if the Brewers had traded for Igawa, they probably wouldn't have signed Braden Looper, and we would've been spared the historically awful season Looper put together. [Cue Mykenk.] HOW-EVAH, Igawa only went 10-8 with a 4.15 ERA in AAA this year, and made $4 million, plus the $8 million he's owed for 2010 and 2011 Which option is preferable -- or, to be more accurate, slightly less painful?
PHILLIES: With World Series hero Geoff Jenkins put out to stud, the best I can come up with is former Brewer Matt Stairs. That's still pretty good, I think. I love Matt Stairs. Tell me you wouldn't drink Labatt Blue with Matt Stairs. He'd drink you under the table, for sure, and you might wake up listening to Bryan Adams and watching "The Stanley Cup: 100 Years of Glory," but still: I'd party with Matt Stairs. If nothing else, maybe you could get enough Labatt in him that he'd say this again.
(Oh, wait. There is another connection: Davey Lopes. Ugh. Now I have to think about the Davey Lopes Era again. That was a fun time, wasn't it? That reminds me: remember, towards the end of the season, when Macha had that quote about his door always being open, and that the players could come talk to him whenever they wanted to -- with the strong implication being that the players weren't coming to talk to him, and that Macha wasn't going out of his way to talk to them, either? You know who else was famous for not talking to his players? Davey Lopes. Ugh, again.)
ADVANTAGE: Push (though I don't think it's out of the question to root for CC in this series).
So, there you have it. Final breakdown: Yankees 2, Phillies 4 (with one tie), and it's not even that close. Go Phillies!