Baseball Explained

Here are the five Brewer starters, in order of last year's ERA:

1. Yovani Gallardo, 1.88
2. Braden Looper, 4.16
3. Dave Bush, 4.18
4. Manny Parra, 4.39
5. Jeff Suppan, 4.96

You might categorize these five as one really good pitcher, three good ones, and one, erm, not so good one.  In fact, in predicting their effectiveness for 2009, we'd expect Gallardo on top and Suppan on the bottom, and the three in the middle could appear in any order.

Now, let's rate them differently --- let's rate them by how metrically symmetrical their first and last names are.  (By meter, I mean number of syllables, where the accents are, etc. --- the "meter" in "iambic pentameter.")  We'll also group them by complexity, assuming that names with 3+ syllables are rarer than names with 1-2 syllables.

1. Yovani Gallardo: 3 syllables each, metrically symmetrical
2. Braden Looper: 1-2 syllables each, metrically symmetrical
3. Dave Bush, 1-2 syllables each, metrically symmetrical
4. Manny Parra, 1-2 syllables each, metrically symmetrical
5. Jeff Suppan, metrically asymmetrical

As we can see, pitchers whose names are metrically symmetrical (e.g., Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson) are categorically better than pitchers whose names are asymmetrical (e.g., Ruben Quevedo).  Moreover, the more syllables you have in your metrically symmetrical name, the better a pitcher you are.

Extrapolating, I think we can expect big years out of Trevor Hoffman and David Riske, and don't be surprised if Cody Scarpetta doesn't break camp with the team. Also, although losing Ben Sheets will hurt, I'd assume we lead the league in pitching staffs with metrically symmetrical names, so there's reason to expect the Brewers to be right there in the playoff hunt.

Thank you for reading. No, you may not get those two minutes of your life back.