1) Be as obnoxious and condescending as possible; referring to adults in their mid-to-late-20s (and a few 40-year-olds) as a bunch of kids who are finally growing up is a good strategy.

2) No, really, keep pouring on the condescension throughout the article; marvel that these professional athletes in their later 20s – who are some of the best at what they do in the whole world – actually know how to work and play the game, and amazingly aren’t “child-like!”

3) Provide no evidence to support your opening thesis; don’t bother providing quotes to back up the somewhat controversial claim you’re making, just insist, “They will adapt. They will temper things. They will not pull out their shirttails after walk-off wins.” It doesn’t matter if the explicit quotes you do provide don’t support that statement in the least.

4) Just make up history; try and invent an entire “old-school” tradition of baseball in which players acted like robots, never celebrated or had any fun, and did nothing to denigrate the solemn traditions of the game. Ignore notable exceptions like the 1982 Brewers, the 1970s Cincinnati Reds, the 1969 Mets, and every other baseball team in history.