Disclaimer: For those that with a faint heart or without a substantial amount of humor (or perhaps haven’t had a morning cup of coffee yet), this post may not be for you. This is an entirely satirical piece dedicated towards the upcoming season without taking into account probable or even certain real life events. I am not a Cubs fan or troll, as I am not the spawn of pure evil. Instead, the intention of this writing is to prepare fellow Brewers fans like myself for the opening mark of the season less than two weeks away and have a laugh about our club.
Let’s think about this reasonably. The Brewers are headed for another season of baseball that will be one for the record books. As spring training is drawing to a close, the roster is getting finalized and the players ready. Due to the absolutely dazzling pitching performances shown by Jeff Suppan this spring and not having anything to do with player salaries whatsoever, Ken Macha will name him the opening day starter for a second year in a row. Unfortunately for Jim Edmonds, he’ll have to battle through the season with a blown out new hip that he just replaced and he’ll just have to get another shiny new titanium ball and socket joint put in. Luckily enough for the Chris Narveson supporters, Carlos Villanueva will demote himself down to Nashville promising he’ll ‘try better next time,’ opening up a roster spot. And alas, for fan favorite David Riske, he’ll have to keep rehabbing his Pleasestayoffourteamitis on the disabled list.
Once opening day rolls around and Jeff Suppan finishes his complete game shut-out, the Brewers rotation will turn into dreadful mire. Manny Parra has established himself as a viable young ace of the rotation, but he really needs to boost his innings pitched, and bring down his WHIP and strange facial hairs to firmly entrench himself in the rotation of the future. Yovani Gallardo benefited from his demotion to Nashville last season and has the tools to succeed, but whether or not he has the mindset to pitch effectively and consistently remains to be seen. New face Randy Wolf is an unproven young pup (an abandoned Wolf raised by humans?) and has to transition his game from AAA to the big leagues to prove he’s not one of those dreaded quad-A players, as he’s clearly never had major league success before. If southpaw Doug Davis can find enough free time in between fighting crime as the famed Duck Dodgers and curing cancer worldwide, he’ll be a real asset to the rotation, but he has to prove his durability and consistency first. Free agent-to-be Dave Bush is better stashed in the bullpen so he’s not put in jail for viciously mauling twenty-seven straight batters every five days with his lumberjacking axe. Or nunchucks, depending on his facial hair.
Luckily enough for the Brewers, the offensive lineup is top to bottom stacked with so much talent scoring runs will be no issue at all. Leadoff hitter Rickie Weeks has proved every year since his call up that he is a run scorer and is one of the most durable and consistent bats in the lineup. The only real question is who will get more intentional passes this year: Rickie Weeks or the baby dreads underneath the doo rag. Two-hole hitter Carlos Gomez has the easy power built in like Russell "Paul Bunyan" Branyan but needs the fielding and base running to catch-up with his natural hitting talent. Ryan Braun needs no introduction, but working as an attractive female model at his Milwaukee restaurant will really cut into his practice time. If he can get cleanup hitter Prince Fielder to stick to his carnivorous eating habits, we can easily expect another 300 homeruns from the big feller, give or take 250. A solid 550 home runs might be able to put him second to Albert M.V.Pujols.
Third baseman Casey McGehee will have yet another solid year at the plate due to his bald spot wearing a hole in his batting helmet and distracting pitchers long enough by deflecting the sun’s rays into the pitchers eyes, forcing them to throw a lob right over the plate. And for those night games when the sun is hiding on the outside of the roof or on the other side of the world, he’ll enact his post-Cubs curse breaker and hit with an OPS of 1.02
years. Right fielder Corey Hart will utilize his fancy new goggles and play up to his 40 million arbitration salary. New catcher Gregg Zaun will stay in the Limelight all season mainly due to the fact that he is not Jason Kendall, the Hall of Fame catcher Mustache opted not to resign. Young shortstop Alcides Escobar will have to juggle beating off post J.J. Hardy lovers, his dazzling and bright smile, and lack of top prospect pressure to be an effective everyday player. Most bench spots throughout the league are utilized effectively, but useless washed up veteran Craig Counsell holds down the fort with the help of Not Tony Gwynn Jr., Tim Wakefield’s baggage boy, Joe the Plumber Inglett, and Julio Franco Jim Edmonds.
As the season progresses past April, all the way through the All-Star break, the Brewers will find themselves as strong buyers at the trade deadline. Corey Hart will have ridden a hitting streak of 84 games through the first half of the season, followed by small successes in a few games, followed by absolutely dismal production in two different positions, leading to a trade to the Canadian league for a bag of maple bats, which are then turned into maple syrup for Prince’s breakfast, increasing his protection in the order with more padding for those hard fastballs. As Cuban defector Randy Wolf’s real birth certificate is found and is actually discovered to be 33 years old, he instantly acquires midseason form and readies the rotation for a stretch run. Ryan Braun’s head became too swollen with his successes and pinched nerves in his neck due to the overwhelming weight, so shifting Edmonds over to left allows for the Brewers to trade Suppan to the Phillies for Jayson Werth since they like paying reasonable market prices for older, experienced players, like Placido Polanco.
September will bring a race to the finish in the hotly contested Central division. Luckily enough, Carlos Zambrano will attempt to shove his entire team into a Gatorade container before tossing it on to the field, so the Cubs sank to the bottom of the division where they rightfully belong. The Cardinals dynamic duo of Jose Pujols and Matt Holliday is not enough to overcome Felipe Lopez’s extreme gusto and effort on the field, which unfortunately caused every single Cardinal pitcher to have their pitching arm fall off. The Astros will be forced to trade off every worthwhile member of their team to raise the funds to cover the repair costs of the in-stadium train after passing sponsorship of it to Amtrak and having it crash during the 7th inning stretch of every game. The Reds and their communistic ways will not succeed, this is America. This leaves the Pirates to push the Brewers for the last spot, but fortunately the Pirates will realize they’re still in rebuilding mode and will concede the division because it’s just not their time yet, and the fans will graciously agree.
The Brewers will be able to push past the Phillies in the first round this time as team cancer CC Sabathia is not present this time and power through the Giants for the pennant by smoking out Tim Lincecum with Jeremy Jeffress. However, the Brewers will run into the inevitable brick wall of the Kansas City Royals and the unstoppable force of Jason Kendall. Maybe not this year sports fans, but we can always hope for next year.