As a method for separating out ourselves from Old Vegas, when you are either lacking the ability to make a cohesive, rational argument about what needs to improve with the Brewers or your brain has just seized up as a result of too much tailgating and trying to decipher the reasoning behind a baserunning gaffe or pitching change, please let the Brewer Rant-O-Matic state your argument for you.

Instructions:

Use (A) the last digit of your age, (B) the first letter of your last name, ( C) the last number of your zip code, (D) your shoe size, and (E) the number of seasons you’ve been a Brewers fan, and use the values from the following tables to fill in this sentence:

Oh my God, the Brewers are (A) __________ ! They need to trade (B) __________ for ( C) ___________ and fire (D) ___________ immediately! We need more players like (E) ____________ again!

(A)
0 – horrible
1 – inconsistent
2 – frustrating
3 – amateurs
4 – garbage
5 – underachievers
6 – terrible
7 – weak
8 – lazy
9 – one trade away from greatness
(B)
A – Escobar
B – Braun
C – Counsell
D – Davis
E – Edmonds
F – Fielder
G – Gamel
H – Hart
I – Inglett
J – Gerut
K – Kottaras
L – Hawkins
M – McGehee
N – Narveson
O – Coffey
P – Parra
Q – Stern
R – Riske
S – Suppan
T – Gomez
U – Villanueva
V – Vargas
W – Weeks
X – Hoffman
Y – Gallardo
Z – Zaun
( C)
0 – starting pitching
1 – relief pitching
2 – power hitting
3 – gold-glove fielding
4 – speed
5 – clutch hitting
6 – younger players
7 – an every day catcher
8 – a bunch of talent
9 – whatever they can get
(D)
< 6 – the whole scouting system
6 – 9 – Macha
10 – 13 – Melvin
>13 – everyone but Uecker and the racing sausages
(E)
1 – Jason Kendall
2 – Mike Cameron
3 – Francisco Cordero
4 – Bill Hall
5 – JJ Hardy
6 – Lyle Overbay
7 – Scott Posednik
8 – Ben Sheets
9 – Richie Sexson
10 – Geoff Jenkins
11 – Marquis Grissom
12 – Fernando Vina
13 – Jeromy Burnitz
14 – Jeff Cirillo
15 – Kevin Seitzer
16 – Greg Vaughn
17 – John Jaha
18 – Dante Bichette
19 – Teddy Higuera
20 – Gary Sheffield
21 – B.J. Surhoff
22 – Rob Deer
23 – Jim Gantner
24 – Paul Molitor
25 – Robin Yount
26 – Cecil Cooper
27 – Gorman Thomas
28 – Pete Vuckovich
29 – Sixto Lezcano
>30 – Dave May