MVP: Who cares?
LVP: Take a wild guess. (-.408)
I need you to gather 'round. Skippy, put down the Wii for a second. Shooter, can you hand Mother the Buzz Lightyear action figure? You can have him back in just a moment. Molly, can you turn down Dora for a minute? Papa needs to talk to all of you.
Listen, kids. There's really no easy way to say this. Mother and I have been talking about this for a few weeks, and we decided it's time to tell you:
We're sending the NarvDog upstate to live with a nice farm family.
Oh, kids, don't get upset. Skippy, I need you to be Papa's brave boy right now. Can you show me your brave face? There's a good boy. And, Molly, please don't cry: we know how much you love the NarvDog. You guys have had some great times with the ol' boy, like the time he blanked the Mariners for eight innings, or those meaningless games last September when he pitched OK.
Kids, I'm sorry. This wasn't an easy decision. But your mother and I can't stomach any more three-inning, nine-earned-run abominations. We can't let the NarvDog poop all over the house with those three, first-inning taters. We can't have the NarvDog eating Mother's slippers and barfing up triples to light-hitting second basemen.
The NarvDog is killing your father, kids. So he has to go. Please understand.
He's going to a very nice family. He'll have room to run and play and chase cows and throw 84 mph, straight-as-an-arrow fastballs to his heart's content. And there are plenty of other dogs with ERAs over 6.00 for the NarvDog to pal around with up there. He's going to be very happy. Trust your papa on this one.
And who knows? Maybe this isn't the end of the road for the NarvDog. You know the Suppans, who live up the street? Rumor has it that they sent that one-eyed, mange-ridden beast that used to terrorize the neighborhood to the pound a couple of weeks ago, and some nice family adopted that mutt not long after. See? There can be a happy ending here for everybody.
But, just to be safe, kids, you probably shouldn't read the transaction notes for a week or so.
Now ... who wants to go to FUDDRUCKERS???