Jan Brady League Week 3: F*ck it, I'll do what I want

So we have 14 guys participating in this league, and yet we have 6 guys participating in the recaps.  Un. Ack. Ceptable. So forget you non-participating slackers.  I will write this, and if you don't appreciate it, then I hope a million corgis trample your genitalia. 

On to the games! This week's recaps brought to you by Wikipedia.  Look shit up. Wikipedia.

Picture Me Rollins beat Halladay Roooaaaoood 331.1-232.9: There are a lot of reasons to hate Earth Day on April 22nd.  Personally, I can't stand celebrities telling me how to live my life.  Frankly, I can't afford solar panels, or to fly to Africa to help provide water, or not toss out my sausege, egg, and cheese McGriddle wrapper on the highway on the way to work.  And NBC decides to ruin good shows by celebrating Green Week.  I get it, Al Gore likes the environment, you don't have to re-use the same, "I hear a whale crying" joke every f*cking year.  April 22nd should be remembered for the capture of General Santa Anna in 1836, or Elian Gonzalez being taken by the justice department, and hopefully not when I got outscored 72.2-12 in this fantasy baseball matchup. That pretty much took me out of the running this week.  Jose Bautista spanked my crew with 42 points, but my pitching scoring less than 100 didn't help.  Picture me Rollins is the sole undefeated team in this league.

Electric Litch Orchestra beat My Pujols is Byrnsin 383.5-285.6: ELO's namesake once wrote, "You got me runnin' goin' out of my mind/You got me thinkin' that I'm wastin' my time." These words could definitely be relatable up until this week for ELO.  Huge weeks from Josh Johnson and Max Scherzer led ELO to his first win, along with stellar weeks offensively from David Wright, Coco Crisp, Sam Fuld, and Ike Davis.  Even though Pujols had the 2nd highest scoring player in fantasy this week (hint, it really was Randy Wolf!), his offense could not produce enough to catch ELO. 

Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better beat The Milledge Idiot 379.1-199.3: Jimmy the Greek and Nixon are possibly the only people in history who had a worse Thursday and Friday than The Milledge Idiot.  His team scored a combine 4.3 points that day.  Yes, 4.3 points in 2 days will not lead to many fantasy baseball wins in this league.  Brett Anderson led Cantu as the highest scoring player of the week with 52.2.  Mitchell Boggs, John Lester, and Kyle Loshe also contributed to a 200 point pitching effort, and that was enough.  Milledge, taking his first loss of the year, can pretty much blame his white sox who scored a total of -1.3 for him this week between 4 players.  Talk about your disappointments, the White Sox are the Ryan Leafs (NFL DRAFT THURSDAY!!!) of this season.

Nomar Mr. Nice Guy beat Rewind Yourself!  273.1-183.3: Kitten Mittons took Homer Simpson to hear when he said, "You tried and lost, the lesson here is, Never Try."  It's obvious that Kitton Mittons set his lineup on Monday, raced to a 0.6 point lead, and said, "That should be enough." Sadly for him, it was not, as Nomar, led by Andre Ethier and Jonathan Sanchez, took the week.  This is a lesson.  If you are going to win in this league, you are going to have to use your bench.  It's just the way it is.  Pickups and streaming pitchers are absolutely necessary for the 300+ point weeks to ensure your victory.  The Mittons need to take this more seriously to do well.  Commenting in the recaps would help too.  Ok, maybe that's too harsh.  Let's try this out.  If you don't participate, you do poorly. 

Total Eclipse of the Hart beat Randy Like The Wolf 242.1-162.4: Only Lindsay Lohan, who got 120 days in jail, had a worse week than Wolf's pitching staff.  Similar to the firecrotched starlet's filmography since Mean Girls, nothing worked for Randy, as E Jackson, Fausto, Esmil Rodgers, Bumgarner, and Brett Cecil were all in negative territory.  His staff scored a total of... 12.4 points.  It wasn't like the Eclipse had a stellar week pitching either, but 4 hitters in the 20s led him to victory.  Heh, I wrote "firecrotch." Ahh, it's the little things...

Jeff's Mom's a Kent beat Royals Yosting on an Open Fire 356.8-337.1: This past weekend, we spent our first family Easter together.  We took Asher to an Easter Egg hunt in the stockyards in Fort Worth.  They seriously still have live Cattle Auctions down there.  He was not having a good time until after he had a bottle, but the picture with him smiling with the lady dressed in the bunny suit (lowest rent Easter Bunny ever) was worth it.  This story has nothing to do with this matchup, as the Yostings could not overcome a Monday 67.5 point lead that the Kents put up.  The real difference in the week was Kent's 9-2 pitching staff scored more than Yosting's 6-5 staff.  Wins may be a horrible indicator of pitching performance (as horrible as that Easter Bunny, so there's your synergy), but they will win you a week.

Smoak'n With Jeffress beat Grienke's Level 85 Gnome Mage 239.6-234.3: On April 20th, the long national nightmare that is Joey Lawrence was born.  His weirdly ripped to shreds jeans coupled with his annoying as hell catchphrase, "whoa," have been a plague on the American pop culture landscape.  The depression this caused the Mages cost them a shot at victory when they only scored 7.2 points that, despite a valiant weekend effort, could not overcome Smoak'n.  You could say that Jose Tabata's -4 (2K's and an error) cost him the week, or you could say it's his Joey Lawrence birthday depression.  Maybe he's just not over Columbine.  Who knows.  Smoak'n can thank Derek Lee for his margin of victory.  I wouldn't.  6 points is a horrible score for a week.

Here are the Power Ranks, which just goes to show how arbitrary they are with the majority of the 2 win teams in the bottom half:

Now I only called out Kitten Mittons, but the rest of you non-posters need to get in on the act.  So bring it guys.  Display your hate.