Jan Brady League Update Week 7: Rapture edition

This Fanpost and update will be an eventual thing, being that I'm at work on lunch right now, but I will do my best to give you the recap you deserve... Which is more than you got last week.  Let's start up with some housekeeping.  Here's last week's power Ranks.  As you can see, there are 3 teams separating themselves from the pack, and the rest of us just trying to keep pace. 


Rank Team Name Week 6 Total Wk 6 Pts Total Power Points
1 Picture Me Rollins 428.9 2307.4 14 75
2 Royals Yosting 284 2169.9 11 71
3 Anything You Cantu 339.8 2101.4 13 69
4 My Pujols is Byrnsin 278.1 1810.6 9 49
5 Jeff's Mom is a Kent 205.6 1663 4 45
6 Electric Litch Orchestra 257.7 1726.5 7 44
7 Total Eclipse of the Hart 190.8 1700.2 2 41
8 Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 280.8 1554.4 10 39
9.5 Rewind Yourself 290.7 1562.9 12 37
9.5 Smoakin w/ Jeffress 277.7 1549.6 8 37
11.5 Grienke's Gnome Mage 256.2 1623.3 6 34
11.5 Halladay Road 198.1 1746.7 3 34
13 The Milledge Idiot 242.4 1484.4 5 28
14 Randy like the Wolf 138.2 1478.9 1



Questions for this week include, Is Picture Me Rollins Still Undefeated?  Can my team, The Ahlladay Road stop sucking.  Will anyone shut that damn kid up?  Stay tuned....

AND WE'RE BACK!!! Let's get to the games:

Randy Like the Wolf beat Grienke's Level 85 Gnome Mage 352.7-266.7: I usually start with the highest scoring team first every week, but this week is special.  Randy Like The Wolf scored almost TRIPLE the amount of points he had last week (and in the 4 previous weeks, was averaging about 196 points per week).  His team was so excited about the Rapture that they manned up and dominated.  Despite Eric Bedard's comeback to respectability, the Mages couldn't keep up with the Wolf.

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Halladay ROOOAAAOOOAD 381.8-357.7: I only have 3 words to describe this week.  James Fucking Shields.  I hope his ass gets tossed in the lake of fucking fire during the Tribulation period.  His Sunday performance was literally the difference between our matchup this week.  Armando Galaraga and Chone Figgins can join Shields there for scoring negatively for my team.

Total Eclipse of the Hart beat Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 371.4-215: I'm making a lot of Rapture references, but I'm more looking forward to the Battle of Armageddon.  This is where Jesus returns in human form and battles the nations of the Earth who are attacking Israel and he and the Armies of Heaven slaughters all the non-believers.  Personally, I think this will be fucking sweet to watch on CNN.  Kinda like the first Gulf War. How cool would it be to see none other than Jesus Christ himself and his armies of heaven with their lightning swords riding on their dinosaur steeds with lasers on their heads in HD.  Just my vision.  Anyway, the Harts took it on the back of Fernando Salas' win and 4 saves. 

My Pujols is Byrnsin beat Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better 366-307.4: I kinda feel bad for the preacher who put up all those billboards all around the country.  How much would it suck for you to be known as the guy who was so very, very, terribly wrong.  I'm sure weathermen across the country are sympathetic to how he feels right now.  So Pujols took King Felix, et al, to victory.  Cantu was hamstrung by his pitching with not a single guy scoring over 21.1 points on his staff.

Picture Me Rollins beat The Milledge Idiot 347.7-279.1: To answer my question from earlier... Yes.

Electric Litsch Orchestra beat Rewind Yourself! 298.3-194.3: Rewind was the only team below 200 this week, which is what happens if you ignore your team for a week.  So he get's the shame of wearing... THE DIAPER OF SHAME!!!


Smoak'n with Jeffress beat Jeff's Mom's a Kent 251.9-226.2: Smoak'n gets this week's WORST WIN award for having the lowest winning score.  His prize?  He must click on THIS LINK. To the rest of you: Don't.

Power Ranks tomorrow.

And it's tomorrow, so time for the power ranks.  We have a new number 1!  This "man" may have no penis.  Some say that his breath smells like talcum powder and he is unaware of his own feet.  I've seen him eat around the holes of swiss cheese, and witnessed his deception of planting fake brothers.  However, he can build a fantasy baseball team and crush dreams.  Congrats to Yar Nevik's Royals Yosting on an Open Fire for taking over the number 1 spot.

Rank Team Name Week 7 Total Wk 7 Pts Total Power Points Wins
1 Royals Yosting 381.8 2551.7 14 85 5
2 Picture Me Rollins 347.7 2655.1 9 84 7
3 Anything You Cantu 307.4 2408.8 8 77 4
4 My Pujols is Byrnsin 366 2176.6 12 61 2
5 Total Eclipse of the Hart 371.4 2071.6 13 54 4
6 Electric Litch Orchestra 298.3 2024.8 7 51 3
7 Jeff's Mom is a Kent 226.2 1889.2 3 48 2
8 Halladay Road 357.7 2104.4 11 45 3
9.5 Smoakin w/ Jeffress 251.9 1801.5 4 41 5
9.5 Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 215 1769.4 2 41 4
11 Grienke's Gnome Mage 266.7 1890 5 39 2
12 Rewind Yourself 194.3 1757.2 1 38 3
13 Randy like the Wolf 352.7 1831.6 10 37 2
14 The Milledge Idiot 279.1 1763.5 6 34 3
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