Jan Brady League Week 8 Update

Hello Gentlemen.  I have been busy dealing with Insurance companies from a KICK ASS HAIL STORM!!! and spending some Memorial Day weekend time with my family.  I plan to have the full review done this evening for you.  I'd like to think that my Fantasy Baseball squad could hold up, but alas it did not.  Here's a tip, if Chone Figgins is batting below the Mendoza line, TAKE HIM OUT OF YOUR F*CKING LINEUP!!! JESUS.  I had enough to deal with this week let alone your horribleness.  I suppose it's not that you aren't good at life, as I assume you have many charity projects you fund with the contract you raped Jack Z out of 2 years ago, but you are horrible at baseball. I'm sure there are many ways Mariner fans have for you to die, but allow me to add mine.  Bigfoot was spotted this week.  I hope he stomps your testicles to a fine powder. 

More update later.

And I'm back!  So I've spend about 8 weeks of reading the updates here.  Mr. Leam spends his updates waxing poetically about menial stuff that is both funny and informative.  I always learn something on just about on just about every game update.  Though I do have some tips.  In baseball, it is a game, not a match.  And it is a team, not a side.  Though it is quite interesting to read a Scottish view of baseball, even if he liked Jason Kendall and I found him to be one of the worst Brewers in the history of Brewers.  Seriously, I've routed for that guy to get hit by pitches, specifically in his stupid fist-like head.  Noah is more of a smack talker.  He hates as well as any update writer I've read.  Hating is really what he does best.  

Me, I use this more like my personal Blog without the pressure of trying to build a readership. As we know, the Blogosphere is truly a meritocracy, where you have to work to earn your readership.  Now KL and previous to that Sackmann, had the advantage of writing for a large blog conglomerate that covers every sports team, and thus an interested readership.  As I ride their coat-tails in fanposts, I can talk about anything I want simply by setting up a fantasy draft on ESPN.  Go me.  On to the update!

Smoak'n with Jeffress CAA-RUSHED my Halladay  Roooaaaoooaad 359.2-188.4: Before I get to this matchup, first I'd like to address what happened tonight.  Carlos Marmol gave up 6 FUCKING RUNS in 0.1 innings.  YOU NEED TO GET A FATAL STRAIN OF HORSE HERPES AND DIE! Anyway, my team scored 2.4 more points than Smoak'ns offense.  That's all you need to really know.  Smoak'n was lead by Cargo, Ryan Howard, Josh Hamilton, and Jim Thome with the bats, and his throwers were great too with Jair Jurrjens.  And Mat Latos finally came through and may be turning around.  Also, I had the lowest score, so I get the Diaper Man of the Week award.  

Greinke's Level 85 Gnome Mage beat Jeff's Mom's a Kent 320-294.9: As I mentioned before, I lived through the biggest f*cking storm I've ever experienced.  I saw hail the size of plums (or raquetballs if you prefer a sports reference).  It was truly epic seeing ice balls fall from the sky and just show what the sky can do.  I was in my driveway holding the baby boy when it started, and I felt a little knock on my ankle.  With a pretty loud "oh, shit!" I covered Asher's head and ran indoors.  It was SOOOO COOL seeing those ice balls shatter on the concrete.  So the Mages won led by Brauny and having almost 200 points of offense with Teixeira and Carlos Quentin having good weeks.  Kent also had a good week with Jay Bruce's Mr. May performance, though I doubt he wants to be Matt Treanor.  

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Total Eclipse of the Hart 304.1-276.8: Now the downside of kickass hail storms is the damage.  I didn't have time to get my car in the garage, and it took a beating.  The nice thing is that I have insurance and since I sell advertising to body shops, I know to where to go and what to look for.  Always go to a guy that will cover your deductible.  Also, they deemed my car a total loss.  Bit of advice: Whatever they offer, add 15% and they will pay you that.  They did for me!  I'm doing the owner retain and taking the $$$ minus the salvage fee and I will be able to get another car.  With kid #2 on the way, I'm excited to get the wife a wagon or mini-van! Royals, the top team in the Power Ranks, had the slimmest of leads going into Sunday (less than 2 points).  Then CC Happened and drove him to victory.  Eclipse, despite Jacoby Ellsbury's best efforts, could not overcome Granderson, Reyes, and Hamels.

Anything UCantu I Cantu Better beat Electric Litsch Orchestra 289-236.2: Homeowners Insurance is a completely different story. The majority of adjusters still around the country dealing with tornado and flood damage, so a hail storm is quite the low priority at the moment.  It sucks because they won't be able to get to me for a few weeks, and the storm knocked out my bedroom window.  Luckily, they are willing to take the cost of the window into account as it pertains to my deductible, so it's technically nothing I wouldn't be paying anyway.  ELO had phenomenal performances from Kershaw, Axford, as well as Juan Pierre, but was done in by two of the worst starts of the year from Sherzer and Mitch Talbot.  Cantu was led by two good starts from Loshe and great outings from Brett Anderson and  Jon Lester.  Colby Rasmus and Kelly Johnson led him offensively.

The Milledge Idiot lucked into another win over Randy Like the Wolf 282.6-216.4: One of the other plusses of having your car in the shop is that I get to drive this kickass Grand Marquis.  This thing rides like a dream, though my wife hates it because, according to her, "this thing is like a boat with wheels."  Honey, that's the point.  It's called luxury, and it's nice.  So the appropriately titled idiot tripped and fell into a good week from Carl Crawford, Alexei Ogando, and David Price.  Nothing else noteworthy aside from gender reassignment surgery happened this week for shim.  Randy could not sustain his momentum from the previous week as only Ricky Romero and Denard Span scored over 20.  It seems the idiot's patience is as small as his new clittoris, so I took 5 minutes to write this for shim.  There, happy?

Rewind Yourself beat Picture Me Rollins 235.2-221.2: Well, it was bound to happen.  I have to convince the wife that a car the size of a Focus is not going to work with 2 kids under the age of 2.  Frankly, this should be an easy discussion, but she is so anti-anything over a compact that I am flabbergasted.  We will eventually need a minivan.  I'm seriously having issues selling her on something the size of a Taurus.  Any suggestions would be welcome.  As for the matchup, it was also inevitable that PMR was going to lose.  And he did this week to the highest scoring player this week in Gallardo and strong performances from Demster, Ibanez, and his namesake Jimmy Rollins.  The saddest part is that it doesn't look like Kitten Mittons even moved anyone in his lineup, even though 4 guys are on the DL.  Rollins was sabotaged by his pitching which put up just 78 points, and included horrible performances from Ubaldo and Jaime Garcia.  His offense didn't help much either with Montero and Bautista being the only hitters to eclipse 20 points.

Nomar Mr. Nice Guy beat My Pujols is Byrnesin 210.4-197: This week's worst winner prize goes to Nomar in a matchup where the two teams COMBINED for 75.4 points in pitching.  Joaquin Soria, Zack Britton and Bronson Arroyo cost Pujols the victory.  Here is your prize, but if you aren't Nomar, DO NOT CLICK! I'll tell you now that it is Amy Winehouse without makeup on.  Meth is a hell of a drug.

Here are the Power Ranks this week.  No change in the top 5, but we do have some movement down below, as this week's team of the week was SMOAK'N!!!  Feel free to rip your players or combatants in the comments.