The Jan Brady League Week 5 review: The Tin Roof, Rusted edition

As we ease into the tepid waters of this week's review, I'd like to send a special death wish to Matt Laporta and Sin Soo Choo.  See, I was up by a half a point on Sunday, but Mr.s Choo and Laporta decided, nope, we need to strike out 3 times without producing enough bases to get Hyatt the win.  So indians, I would like to take a tomahawk to your Cheif Wahoo loving taints, and then seal it with a blowtorch.  I know my week was nowhere near respectable, but your total of 6 points over the week definitely killed me.  Rot in hell.  Love, your manager.  Let's get to the games!

Well I would've had a review, except ESPIN decided now's a great time for their Fantasy Pages to crash.  I can't do anything whether it be power ranks or a review.  How wondeful is this morning now.  Anyway, I promised a big announcement, and the title of this post should give you the best idea.  I'll come back in an hour and see if Espin got their shit together. 

Things I know though- I lost by 2.5 points, the Yostings scored the most, Rewind yourself lost, the Mages scored the fewest, and I'm fucking pissed off...

/15 mins elapse

OK, Espin is back up, so let's get cracking. 

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better 402-291.6: I was up in Milwaukee this past weekend, and there are certain things you miss about your home town.  I've narrowed the list down to the 3 main ones, which will be discussed over the next 3 reviews, because I'm mentally lazy.  1) Trees.  Everywhere you go, there are Trees in MKE.  It makes the air smell fresher, the seasons more pronounced, and just gives the feel of a nicer quality of life.  It's the kind of quality of life that gets you four hitters over thirty points led by Gaby Sanchez's best week as a pro like Royals got. Cantu did his best by streaming 14 different starters this week, but his offense let him down scoring only 90 points, led by Colby Rasmus with 20. 

Picture Me Rollins beat Total Eclipse of the Hart 351.7-272.5: The next thing you miss is Kopps.  Whether it be the custard, the giant burgers, or the delicious onion rings, Kopps is just amazing.  My order is always a Cheeseburger with ketchup and fried onions, a vanilla shake made from the custard, and an order of onion rigns.  This meal truly is unbeatable, similar to Picture me Rollins so far this year (like that segue? I'm a master at transitions).  Rollins also did the streaming strategy, but got the support from his offense to lead him to victory.  Despite a solid offensive effort from Jacoby Ellsbury, the Eclipse couldn't get enough from his pitching to keep pace.

Nomar Mr. Nice Guy beat Randy Like The Wolf 311.3-288.5: The third and final thing that you miss is Cousin's Subs.  I know they are ubiquitous in Milwaukee, but good lord, you have no idea.  The bread has such a distinct flavor that it makes the sub worthwhile.  Not to mention how delicious the mayo is.  It's one of a kind.  I know this is an unexpected member of the list, but it's not as unexpected as Erick Aybar leading Nomar over Randy (I DID IT AGAIN!!!). Nomar actually had 5 hitters over 20 points, and enough pitching to outlast Randy, who despite being quite balanced, couldn't get over Ricky Romero, JoJo Reyes (25 winless starts in a row and counting!) and Chris Sale in the negative. 

Electric Litsch Orchestra beat Smoak'n with Jeffress 298.8-276.2: I think my favorite part of going up there was the surprise we dropped on my family.  The problem is, not matter how much work you put into developing the surprise delivery method, you cannot control the reactions.  For example, it's like working up the courage to run onto the field during a game, getting a casino to sponsor you and writing their web address all over your naked body.  And then you do it, and everyone is just like, "eh, it's a streaker, ho hum." and security doesn't chase you.  You just go out there, and then get back in your seat like nothing happened.  Anyway, Brian Wilson had a dream week for the Smoak'ns, but his lackluster offense couldn't catch up with ELO, who got huge performances from 5 pitchers all over 26 points this week. 

Jeff's Mom's a Kent beat My Pujols is Byrnesin 290.8-236.6 : Apparently, when you take bigger, more powerful airplanes, flights take less time.  I say this because the flight from Dallas to Milwaukee usually takes 2 hours on the janky regional Embrairs that american Airlines trots out there under the operation of American Eagle.  This time around, the route was operated by British Airways, and we got a nice MD80.  That bad boy got us up to The Good Land (in algonquin) in an hour and a half.  It was Sah-Weet!!!  What wasn't sweet was Pujols scoring just 5 points on wednesday to doom his team to their 5th loss. I know he's trying, as he's doing some pitcher streaming, but it's just not coming together.  The Kents got the benefit of Verlander's no hitter and Clay Buchholz getting off the schneid in the win column twice.

Rewind Yourself beat Greinke's level 85 Gnome Mage 281.1-198.1: You know what's not fun? When the backbone of your team and the NL Player of the Month for April follows that month up with a -1 point week.  The Mages actually suffered from 3 negative offensive contributors to doom them to the worst team of the week.  Rewind Yourself saw it fit not to even add anyone during the week, and cruised to victory.

The Milledge Idiot beat Halladay ROOOAAAOOOAAAD 225.1-223.6: I hate all of you, my team.  a 2.5 point loss is inexcusable.  I can't even write about it I'm so mad.

Share your thoughts, and hate, and if you can figure out the title, offer up a lil somethin. That'll do Pigly, that'll do *BOOM*.

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