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UPDATED: Jan Brady League Review: The Name Game!!! and What to do with a guy that doesn't care


Being a busy guy, I've had tons of sh*t to do lately.  Whether it be calling out people to admit they used to like the Cubs just a little bit, or pointing out the constants in Michael Bay movies (Mike, get off your knees when shooting that closeup, I could care less about Shai Labouf's jawline), or raising a son who likes to destroy stuff (this week's death toll, 1 mixing bowl, 1 dog bowl, 2 cups), I'm a pretty busy guy.  Throw in the fact that the wife has decided that throwing up three times a night is a wonderful way to go, and my life is full.  So I need your help.

My wife has come up with a short list of names if Baby 2: Electric Boogaloo turns out to be a boy.  I hate most of these, so please rank them in order of which you like best.

The choices are: Slater, Jonas, Logan, Jake, and Levi.

The Jan Brady League Update will be ready for you when you get up tomorrow morning.

And we're back.  Response to the comments first.  First of all, I am 95% convinced it will be a girl, in which case, the front runner, and the only one I will be alright with, is Sloane Elise.  Secondly, the wife's front runner is Slater.  I fucking hate this name with the fire of 1,000,000 suns.  Thank you all for being right there with me.  For the record, I like Levi a lot, as I'm a huge fan of biblical names (see, Asher). Zack is pretty good, but only if he gives an inkling of resigning for 2013.  

Off to the games.  This was clearly a week of haves and have nots, with only two teams winning over an opponent with a better record, and one of those was the only game decided by less than 50 points.  The other was a case of 4 two-start pitchers producing 7 wins.  Speaking of which:

Greinke's Level 85 Gnome Mage beat The Milledge Idiot 431.2-265.2: John Danks, Jordan Zimmerman, Cliff Lee, and Zack Grienke produced those 7 wins for the Mages.  It was just a disaster from the get go, as the idiots were down 120 points by Tuesday.  Throw in a  solid performance from Phil Humber, Carlos Quentin (I'm telling you, that hammy is due to pop any second now) and Brauny, and you have a pretty sizable blowout.  Not the biggest, but a good one.  Getting negative points from Elvis Andrus, and Josh Tomlin didn't help matters, and spoiled good weeks from Jhulys Chacis, David Price, and Alexei Ogando.  It also didn't help that Youk was his only offensive player over 20 points.

Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better beat Randy Like The Wolf 406.8-270.6: On with the non-sequitors!!!  I woke up Sunday Morning without the ability to turn my head left.  Every 18 months or so, this happens to me where I sleep weird and my shoulder and neck decide that now is not the time to work, but it is time to send shooting fucking pain throughout your body.  I thought I had solved this problem by getting those ergonomic side sleeping pillows, but alas, it is not solved.  You never know how much you take looking at the side view mirror without wanting to throw yourself out of the car and under a semi from pain for granted.  Cantu rode Princey's hot streak and Jon Lester's return to elite to victory.  Drew Storen and Matt Cain were also instrumental in his victory.  Randy couldn't capitalize on Tommy Hunter's 20 K week as well as big weeks from Francisco Liriano (finally) and Troy Tulowitzki, as he had 4 pitchers in the negative.  

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Electric Litsch Orchestra 375.3-189.2: Here's your beatdown of the week.  Speaking of beat downs, I've found myself having become a fair-weather Mavericks fan.  Go ahead and pelt me with rotten vegetables, I really don't care.  When it comes to the NBA, I'm a pretty big underdog front-runner (like when the Pistons crushed the star studded Lakers with Shaq, Kobe, Malone, and Peyton, that was fun).  And frankly, what have the Bucks ever provided me?  An exciting year 10 years ago?  Seriously, I read an article from Forbes on the most overpaid bench-warmers in sports, and 3 of them (well, I'm sure of 2) signed their contracts on Bucks letterhead.  I really don't like the NBA as it is, and I will rejoice when they lose this upcoming season with the owners lockout the players and force them to take a 40% pay cut over 3 years.  Royals had a 130 point lead on Wednesday, and just cruised from there.  Led by Adrian Gonzalez and Curtis Granderson, he had 5 players over 20 points, and big weeks from Cole Hamels (who probably has been the best pitcher over the past month), Dillon Gee, and Houston Street (side note: That is the dumbest spelling of Dylan I have ever seen).  ELO had one hitter and 2 pitchers over 20 points this week.  How's that Colby Lewis pickup treating you now?

Picture me Rollins beat Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 331.1-271.6:  Along the lines of my Dillon comment, I can't believe some of the stupid spellings in the names I have to look through for Baby 2: Electric Boogaloo (yes, until I find out the gender, that is how it will be referred to).  In the top 1000 boys names, there are 5 spellings of Aiden, 4 of Zachary, 3 of Jackson, 3 of Jayden and even 2 of Zander WHICH ISN'T A REAL FUCKING NAME TO BEGIN WITH!!!  Fuck you people and your fucked up spellings.  If you name your kid Dominic, have the fucking courtesy to spell it right or be prepared for a crotch punch. Despite a weak pitching week, Rollins scored 256 points of offense led by 30 point weeks from Brandon Boesch, Zorilla, and Carlos Lee.  Nomar, despite Melky Cabrera's and Paul Konerko;s best efforts, just couldn't keep pace.

My Pujols is Byrnesin beat Smoak'n with Jeffress 330.2-327.4: So I picked up the car that I got from a County Fleet auction.  Now I am not a car guy.  I can change a tire, and replace wiper fluid, but I can't even change the oil.  So in retrospect, this was not the best idea for someone of my mechanical pedigree.  The first sign of trouble was when I discovered there was no fan belt on the car.  The next was when I found a hornet's nest next to the gas cap.  I was able to spray out the hornets and replace the fan belt with a little hassle, but then the compressor started making a wicked noise.  So since this was beyond my acumen, I took it in to a mechanic, who kindly replaced it for a nominal fee.  Then, the battery died.  I changed that out myself (go me).  And now I discover the horn doesn't work, so that's my Saturday morning project.  More on this next game review.  The upset of the week came in from a HUGE Sunday featuring Cappy, King Felix, Freddy Garcia, and Rubby De La Rosa (speaking of names, BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!). This just shows that miracles do happen when you look at matchups and the waiver wire for probable starters.  Heh. Rubby.  Smoak'n should probably blame Carlos Ruiz, whose sombrero (3 Ks, not racism) cost him the W, though Brian Duensing's -10 start didn't help matters at all.  

Total Eclipse of the Hart beat Halladay Rooooaaaoooaaad 287-233.7: So the horn comes into play on this story.  When you change out a car battery, it resets all the computers, and aren't "ready" until you drive.  The problem is that in Texas, you need your car's systems inspected every year before you can register it.  The bigger problem is that this car, being a former police cruiser, does not have any plates.  So I have to drive a plate-less car that says "Police" on the back of it for 100 miles before I can even try to get it inspected.  This is the most hair-raising drive of my life as I am just thinking that I will be pulled over at any moment, specifically once I get out of my driveway.  But I make it, take it to be inspected, and the FUCKING HORN DOESN'T WORK SO I HAVE TO REPLACE THAT IN ORDER TO PASS INSPECTION IN ORDER TO GET PLATES SO I CAN LEGALLY DRIVE THIS FUCKER.  Oh, well, it's an '03 Taurus with just 74K on it, so I'll survive.  My team sucked this week.  Congrats to the Harts for having the good fortune of playing me.

Jeff's Mom's a Kent beat Rewind Yourself 285.2-197.6: Ok guys, seriously, what the fuck should I do with this guy.  I emailed him last week to fix his fucking lineup, and he 1) hasn't responded, and 2) hasn't fixed his fucking lineup.  It's like a fucking bye week for someone every fucking week.  I need more input here.  Seriously Kitten Mittons, fix this shit.  This has got to stop.  

Keep coming with the name votes, and please give me your input on what to do with Kitten Mittens.  

Rank Team Name Week 10 Total Wk 10 Pts Total Power Points Wins
1 Picture Me Rollins 331.1 3601.5 11 114 9
2 Royals Yosting 375.3 3489.6 12 112 8
3 Anything You Cantu 406.8 3345.9 13 102 6
4 My Pujols is Byrnsin 330.2 2990.1 10 80 3
5.5 Total Eclipse of the Hart 287 2951 8 79 5
5.5 Jeff's Mom is a Kent 285.5 2809.5 7 79 4
7 Smoakin w/ Jeffress 327.4 2811 9 74 7
8 Grienke's Gnome Mage 431.2 2927.4 14 72 4
9 Electric Litch Orchestra 189.2 2732.4 1 64 3
10 Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 271.6 2581.6 6 62 6
11 Randy like the Wolf 270.6 2641.8 5 57 3
12 The Milledge Idiot 265.2 2609 4 55 4
13 Halladay Road 233.7 2793.1 3 53 4
14 Rewind Yourself 192.6 2366.9 2 47 4
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