Today is Father's Day today, and I am thrilled. I've got the wife making some french toast for breakfast right now. We are going to take the little man to the pool later, and then Steak for dinner. I'm psyched. So being the semi-narcissistic writer that I am, let's go over my ideal fathers day:
7:00 AM- The wife actually gets up and takes care of the kid in the morning. I sleep.
8:30 AM- Kid is playing while wife performs *ahem* wifely duties upon me
8:50 AM- Eggs Benedict, hash browns, chicken apple sausage, Ikea coffee
9:00 AM- Turn on SportsCenter, Cubs and Cardinals lost and the Brewers extend their lead to 15 games in the division after dismantling the Red Sox in Interleague BS. Prince announces his new contract at a below market value just to "stick with the girl that brought me to the dance, and a chicken."
9:30 AM- Post breakfast playing with the boy until I get tired of it
9:35 AM- tired of it.
9:36 AM- Someone who is not me comes to pick up boy for the rest of the day and he has a wonderful time.
9:45 AM- More SportsCenter, Jay cutler realizes he is still Jay Cutler and kills self. I down a shot of Jaeger in celebration.
9:50 AM- Wisked off in limo to Airport. Fully stocked bar including a wonderful bloody mary all prepared for me.
10:15 AM- Limo pulls over, more "wifely duties upon me"
10:30 AM- Whisked of to Bahamas in private jet. Entire flight is filled with Magellan and Tonics and "wifely duties upon me"
12:45 PM- Plane lands, am immediately taken to Atlantis. Given the "Michael Jackson Suite" across the bridge between the two towers. Given Captain Morgan Private Stock cubra libre. More "wifely duties"
1:05 PM- Veal Parmigiana, cesar salad, garlic butter and rosemary pasta, light side of gnocchi in light cream sause, glass of Malbec, and a Lavazza coffee
1:30 PM- Nap Time
3:00 PM- awoken by "wifely duties"
3:25 PM- Head to casino, sit down at Black Jack table, immediately go up 1.8 million.
3:35 PM- Padma Lakshmi sits down next to me, bringing a Reyka Vodka and Cranberry. Lets me and the wife know that we are the only couple she'd do a 3-some with ever, and that she is down to go RIGHT NOW.
3:35 and 2 seconds PM- Dream comes true
4:30 PM- Fly to Milwaukee on private jet while sipping on a bottle of Dom with supremely satisfied wife, served medium rare ribeye covered in sauteed portabella mushrooms and grilled onions, creamy mashed potatoes with herbs mixed in, 3 Newcastle Brown Ales, and a carafe of Dunkin Donuts coffee.
6:45 PM- Land and are taken directly to club level seats at miller park. Gallardo throws a perfect game, Prince and Brauny go back to back 4 times. Brewers destroy Red Sox who disband with the statement, "We can't compete with the class organization and actually classy fans that the Brewers bring to the table. In fact, we just released the poison in all Red Sox fan's hats. Red Sox nation has now been wiped into oblivion."
9:00 PM- Kopps Burger, Leini's Berryweis. Wife and I are taken back to Airport. "Wifely Duties" and writing of the greatest american novel ever on the way home. Immediately published. Also patent boxer briefs that don't lose elasticity in legs and secure seed investment to start manufacturing immediately for it with super model Kate Upton doing commercials, "nothing gets between me and my Hyatts."
11:00 PM- Come home to sleeping boy and BRAND NEW 55" Plasma in livingroom.
11:30 PM- Call from president wishing me a happy Fathers Day and congratulating me on my general awesomeness. Back atcha Barry.
11:45 PM- "Wifely duties" and a nice Dow vintage Port.
Feel free to contribute your favorite father's day wishes. Have a happy Father's day.