Updated: The Jan Brady League Update: What to do with Kitten Mittons

We'll get to the league conundrum in a minute.  I had a phenomenal Fathers day where none of my fantasy father's day dreams came true except for the Dunkin Donuts coffee, though I was really routing for that Jay Cutler thing to happen.  I took the wife and kid to the pool where the Texas women were apparently celebrating Cinco de Thigho.  Seriously, there was so much hail damage on those legs that we needed an insurance adjuster.  I couldn't tell you how much I wished these ladies discovered shorts.

So let's get to the matter at hand.  We have an asshole that REFUSES to participate.  I have emailed him twice and no response.  In addition, he's had at least 4 guys on the DL for the last four weeks.  He has made no moves in over a month, and I've had it.  So you don't have to be in this league to suggest something, just give me an idea because in all my leagues, I've never had to deal with such bullshit.

Be honest with me and let me know if it's me.

On to the fucking games.

Total Eclipse of the Hart beat The Milledge Idiot 424-208.7: I'm seriously worked up right now, so I need a break... alright, I'm calmer now.  So let's see, AHH CRAP!!! They cancelled Sports Show with Norm McDonald. This week just got off to a horrible start.  Norm is an acquired taste.  It comes down to this, if you find the following sentence funny, then you'd like Norm: "I can't bench 245 pounds, but it turns out I can have sex with it." This made me cry from laughing so hard.  The idiots performance would also make someone cry.  Alexei Ogando, Ted Lilly, David Price, and Alex Gonzalez were all in the negative.  The Harts are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and Carlos Carrasco, Wandy Rodriguez, and Brett Myers combined to outscore the idiot's pitching.  Offensively, the Harts lost Pujols, but sometimes you get points from the most unlikely source, Alcides Escobar who put up 35.  He's still terrible, but still, good for Esky.

Royals Yosting on the Open Fire beat Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 371.2-223.6: Here's what living with a Pregnant woman is like.  My wife is pretty amazing.  I came home today, and she met me at the door with a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie, and a glass of iced tea.  I say, "Am I on To Catch a Predator?" That's fucking hilarious and comic gold.  She got sooo pissed that I'm this close to sleeping on the couch.  In all honesty, it's a rookie mistake on my part.  You hate to see it.  Royals Yosting had a phenomenal week with Victorino, Reyes, and A-gonz all over 30 as well as an amazing week from James Shields with 2 complete game shutouts totaling 59.2 points.  Nomar didn't have much chance as only Ian Kennedy, Carlos Beltran, and Paul Konerko were over 20. 

Jeff's mom's a Kent beat ELO 341.2-255.3: There are two commercials that I want to die in a fire.  The entire Michael Imperioli 1800 Tequila commercial series is fucking terrible.  He's trying to give the illusion that 1800 is non-pretentious Tequila, yet is wearing a suit talking about it.  Who has actually drank tequila wearing a suit?  Tequila is for getting sloppy drunk on a random Thursday night when you don't have class the next day in college.  Any asshole that orders Patron or 1800 to do a shot of is just wasting their fucking money.  Assholes.  Also, I've stopped writing out ELO's full team name because I'm sick of writing Litsch. He lost because Michael Morse scored 36, and only 2 other guys scored over 20.  the Kents had Justin Verlander scoring 65.2, and had 4 guys on offense over 20.

Picture Me Rollins beat Randy Like The Wolf 325.7-283.3: Apparently my next kid would be named Randy if I accepted tcyoung's bet.  The other commercial that I want to throw acid in the ad agency's face is the Golden Corral baby back ribs commercial.  "Fall off the Bone" ribs are disgusting.  They are fatty, overcooked, and drenched in sauce to cover up their relative lack of flavor.  The wife says it's them trying to turn a negative into a positive.  Let's try this, "It's covered in feces good." "It's crunchy cheese in your mouth good." "She's fat girl in a tube-top sexy." This doesn't work people.  Rollins kept rolling with his 10th win led by Adam Lind and Brandon Boesch even with a below average pitching week.  Randy had no help for Justin Upton and Danny Espinoza who were both over 35 offensively, and not much outside of Ricky Romero and Gio Gonzalez on the pitching side.

Greinke's Level 85 Gnome Mage beat My Pujols is Byrnsin 298.7-289.5: The local basketball franchise won the NBA Chamionship last week, and I got swept up in it so I have a couple observations. 1) Eric Spoelstra looks like a guy you want to avoid going into a real estate deal with.  Just kinda slimy and over-tanned. 2) This was the year to catch the Heat.  They will address their issues (lack of point guard, soft in the middle), and coming back stronger than ever.  3) That is, of course, if there ever is an NBA season again. If you think the NFL lockout is messy, you haven't seen anything yet.  I'm not one to route for the owners (why should the world bend to the whims of 29 assholes who want more money), but if you are a basketball fan, you hope the players come to their senses and realize that the NBA won't survive paying Michael Redd 18 million to play 13 games. This game came down to Saturday, where the Mages got over 90 points mostly from John Danks and Mike Pelfrey. The Byrnsins tried their best, but just couldn't pull it out.  Of course, not having a single offensive player over 14 points did not help matters either.

Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better beat Smoak'n with Jeffress 293.9-285.3: When I find something that works, I stick with it forever.  This is why I the only non-work shoes I've bought since 2000 are Adidas Sambas.  This is kind of a pain in the ass when your favorite pair of sunglasses are discontinued.  Living in Texas, you need a great pair of sunglasses or you will damage your eyes.  I found a pair about 4 years ago that worked perfectly, and then Nike has to go and fucking discontinue them.  Same with fucking Levis and their ridding their lineup of 567 jeans.  So comfortable, so boot cutted.  It just worked.  So fuck you Nike and Levis for getting rid of my favorite things by you.  This one was even more down to the wire, as the Cantus needed a 98.3 point Sunday to pull past Smoak'ns.  JJ Hardy and Tyler Chatwood led him that day, as Matt Cain and Starlin Castro also helped big-time.  John Niese, Josh Hamilton, Chase Utley and Michael Bourne combined for -9 on Sunday for Smoak'n, and that made all the difference.

Halladay Roooaaaoooaaad beat Rewind Yourself 276.8-182.8: My team is very bad at fantasy baseball, but at least I show up.  Seriously, what do I do with this guy?  Please share your thoughts on the matter.  

Here are the Power Ranks, and as you can see, we have a TIE at the top as Royals Yosting and Picture Me Rollins each have 125 Power Points.  Also, we can start talking about relegation next week as we will be 60% done with the regular season at that point.  It's pretty much week 11 in the NFL, and thus, we'll see how playoff positioning and who's dropping out are shaping up.