The Jan Brady League Update: The Marlins and Mariners totally kitten mittoned this update

I was going to do the write up this late evening, but the Sunday night game between the Mariners and Marlins (home game for the Fish, figure that one out) is still not over.  So at this point, I can't even start with the normal order, but I can see if there are any games finished and review those... But first...

I was super husband this weekend.  I surprised the wife with a hair appointment.  As she enters pregnancy week 17 (out of 40 for those of you who don't know the human gestation cycle), long hair in daily 95+ degree heat is not exactly the best idea.  So I booked her a hair appointment.  Now some of you may not know, but Aveda is the premier chain of hair salons.  Their training and products give the impression of being the best.  In fact, my baby sister is going through that training right now.  Anyway, I'm expecting a 200+ bill with tip.  And then something magical happened.  I picked up the wife and she told me it was just $72 bucks AND they are a no-tip salon!!! WOOHOO!!! I love when I think something costs WAY more than it actually did.  It's awesome.  Plus, she's happy, looks great, EVERYBODY WINS!!!

On to the games

The Milledge Idiot beat Rewind Yourself 204.1-160.6: During the time the wife got her hair cut, I took the lil man to Krystal for the first time.  If you have never had Krystal, imagine White Castle but good.  Because he is little, I had to cut the thing into even littler pieces because he's 13 months old.  he had his 1, I had 5.  He loved it.  Then I made the mistake of taking him out to a flea market in 95 degree heat.  When we got home an hour later, that slider ended up on my shirt.  So that happened... The Idiot had his bye week, which is good because he would've only beaten one other team this week.  

Nomar Mr. Nice Guy beat Jeff's Mom's a Kent 277.9-270.2: As I was logging back in to continue the update, there was a video playing on the right hand side of the screen showing some guy talking to Anthony Witrado about... something.  Witrado is now considered an expert at something.  This, along with the floods, the tsunamis, the earthquakes, the wild fires, the tornados, and the Kardashians are all signs of the apocolypse people!!! WAKE UP!!!  It was the Longoria and Hudson show that led Nomar over the Kents, though he can look at Jeff's 5 pitchers and Jason Giambi who were all in the nagative and thank them for the victory.  Verlander, Carpenter, and Swisher all had nice weeks, but it wasn't enough.

Picture Me Rollins beat Smoak'n with Jeffress 315.4-305.6: You know what's not fun?  95 degree heat from late May until Early October.  This is why Texas is terrible.  But 47% of all jobs created in the US since 2009 are in Texas, so it's got that going for it.  That's about it.  This matchup was neck and neck all week.  Rollins, led by Sergio Santos, Ubaldo, and Anibal Sanchez as well as Ben Zobrist did not have a single player in the Negative, where Smoak'n, led by BJ Upton, Joe Saunders, Michael Bourn, and Josh Hamilton, had 2, and that pretty much was the difference. 

ELO beat Halladay Road 315.1-241.4: I've stared doing something that I haven't done regularly since I was 12, and that's playing video games.  I have really gotten into Super Mario Galaxy, and the controls and gameplay are like nothing else out there.  If you know of any non-Mario games for the Wii that are worth playing, hit me up in the comments.  By no means is my team any good, but I was victimized by 5 pitchers in the negative as my offense kept pace with my opponent.  Unfortunately, I just happened to go up against ELO in his breakout pitching week, where Clayton Kershaw decided to be the best player in fantasy baseball.  Que sara... I'm so relegated....

My Pujols is Byrnesin beat Total Eclipse of the Hart 307.6-300.3: My mom is so passive-agressive.  In order to fish compliments for her 33rd anniversary, she remakred on Facebook how none of her 4 kids remembered to wish her a happy anniversary.  Mom, I have my own family with my own anniversary to remember.  The only one who needs to remember is Dad.  Stop it.  Blech.  Byrnsin, who according to the power ranks is one of the better teams in the league, finally got in the win column in a close matchup thanks to Halladay, King Felix, and Michael Young.  the Harts couldn't keep pace despite the best efforts of Tim Stauffer, Brandon Phillips, and fantasy MVP Matt Kemp.

Anything You Cantu I Cantu Better beat Greinke's Level 85 Gnome Mage 261.5-213.9: The wife had Pinkberry for the first time this past weekend.  I tried it, and frankly, I don't like icecream that tastes like grapefruit.  Just my thing.  Though it is pretty ingenious of them to put Captain Crunch on it.  I'd eat olives as long as they were covered in Captain Crunch.  Highly underrated cereal.  Cantu scored 146 points on Saturday and Sunday to lock up the victory here.  Led by Hardy, Votto, and Matt Cain, he blew by the Mages who couldn't get anything rolling all week long outside of Cliff Lee, Greinke, Braun, and Seth Smith.

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Randy Like the Wolf 308.2-193.1: So I completely forgot to review this game, but after having to go to friggin Pinkberry again, I'm tired and really can't come up with something clever for before hand, though telling stories about my life isn't very clever. James Shields, Adrian Gonzalez, and Nick Markakis led Royals to his 10th win.  Randy just couldn't do much with his staff putting up just 100 points and with 5 guys in the negative, though only having 4 guys on offense in the double digits didn't help much either leading to just 93 points. Alex Gordon, Ricky Romero, and Mike Minor were his only notables.  

Power ranks tomorrow.  Have a fun time, and don't forget your Wii Game suggestions in the comments.

SB Nation Featured Video
Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Brew Crew Ball

You must be a member of Brew Crew Ball to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Brew Crew Ball. You should read them.

Join Brew Crew Ball

You must be a member of Brew Crew Ball to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Brew Crew Ball. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.