The Jan Brady League Update: where the commish has a revelation, and a change of heart

Recently, I realized that I may be asking too much of you.  See, I see the same 3-5 people every week coming in here and discussing the league, and talking a little smack.  I made many a plea for those of you who aren't doing that, to start doing so.  Then I realized: I'm asking you to be dicks to each other for no good reason other than I'm a dick to you and I find it fun to be so.  So I guess I should be happy with 13 of the 14 teams participating pretty heavily on a regular basis, and not so much ripping each other a new creative asshole in the process. 

That's what Fantasy Football is for.

On to the Games:

Smoak'n with Jeffress beat Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 472.9-229: I remember not too long ago when 4th of July weekend was a time to kickback, relax, have enough alcohol to sterilize a medium sized pan-pacific nation (let's say, Myanmar, because they refuse to be called Burma), and dry out on Monday in time for whatever you had to do the rest of the week.  This was before I became a homeowner.  This weekend's projects were: re-do the baby's room, hang shelves, fix the sliding glass door, clear out the garage, change the spark plugs on the car, mow the lawn, reinforce a shaky changing table, oh, and go out and buy all the supplies for these projects.  After all that, I spent Monday drying out (this time from the sweat) .  Sometimes you look at the scoreboard, and you jump back with, Whoa, where did that come from?!?.  That was my reaction on seeing Smoak'n's 472 point outburst.  Led by Carlos Gonzalez and 5 other guys over 20 points offensively, he was 9 points short of having his offense beat Nomar's entire team.  Luckily for Smoak'n, his pitching picked up his offense's shortfall with a 250+ point effort.  Nomar just couldn't keep up with only CJ wilson over 30.

Randy Like the Wolf beat Jeff's Mom's a Kent 364-349.6: The reason we had to re-do the baby's room is two fold.  One, we need the space for when Baby Lazear 2: Electric Boogaloo comes.  And two, Asher has decided that the best habit he can have right now is to make sure every surface has nothing on it.  This includes tables, night tables, shelves, and anything within his reach.  So I hung shelves all over the house.  This was after a trip to Ikea.  More on that in a minute.  Another What the H?!? moment happened in this game when Randy exploded for 364 points behind Fantasy Player of the Week Gio Gonzalez's 53.2 and Pablo Sandoval's 32. The Kent's just couldn't keep pace despite good weeks from Ervin Santana and Robinson Cano.

Picture Me Rollins beat The Milledge Idiot 340.9-202.6: I am a firm believer that you lose a piece of your soul every time you go through an Ikea.  If you are a man, and you are going there with a woan, you will want to kill yourself in a ritual manner, which is why they put the candles at the end of the trek, for your convenience.  And the only saving grace is that you can see it in your fellow men's faces as well.  I heard a girl say, "ooh, these are my favorite," as her boyfriend replied, "fine, whatever, just please let's go before I bash myself over the head with some flat packed furniture to get the sweet release that is death." I feel you brother. I'm right there with you.  Rollins needed a 160+ point weekend to push past the idiots.  He made it thanks to strong weeks from Joey Bats, Andrew McCutchen, and Brandon Boesch.  The idiots got nothing offensively this week as they were led by Chase D'Arnaud's 14 points, though he did get good pitching performances from Hiroki Kuroda, Ryan Voglesong, and Alexei Ogando.

Total Eclipse of the Hart beat Rewind Yourself 293.3-173.8: I did find time to take the wife and kid to the fireworks on Sunday.  One of the nice parts about living in Texas is the nice cross-section of humanity you get to see at large outdoor events.  My personal favorite was the sterotype.  Man: Wife Beater, NASCAR hat, Jorts.  Woman: Confederate flag tubetop complete with gut hanging out, daisy dukes, teased out blonde hair.    Stay Classy, Texas.  The Hart's enjoyed his bye week with nice performances from Lance Berkman and Damon.  It was like 2004 all over again!

Royals Yosting on an Open Fire beat Halladay Roooaaaoooaaad 274.8-261.6: There is a reason that Men handle the grilling duties.  On Friday, my wife got the phenomenal idea of making ribs on the grill.  She had a recipe that allowed for them to cook for just 2 hours on indirect heat.  Now I was skepticle because properly cooked ribs take about 6-8 hours smoking on the grill at about 225-250 degrees, but I figured there's no way ribs can be bad.  Yeah... My ribs were crunchy.  It was just... ugh.  they looked good on the outside, but that frist bite was just ungodly.    I love you honey, but I got it next time.  A bad tuesday doomed me to knocking off one of the elite teams in the league who had a HORRIBLE pitching week.  Luckily, Royals had Jose Reyes and Shane Victorino who were both top scorers, and I had 3 offensive guys in the negative.  Damn, so close...

My Pujols is Byrnesin beat Anything You Cantu I cantu better 241.6-231.2: Here is your C&C Music Factory Tip of the day: Everybody Dance Now.  This is how you take advantage of an off week from a superior recorded team. Led by Aramis Ramirez and Jason Vargas, he had just enough to out pace the Cantu's despite efforts from Angel Pagan and Mark Reynolds.

ELO beat Greinke's Level 85 Gnome Mage 228.9-227.7: I'm getting really worried that we are going to lose football for the upcoming year.  I know they'll play a shortened season, but this is getting pretty bad.  I've been prepping myself by learning all I can about soccer, but I would much rather order up the Sunday Ticket package than Fox Soccer Channel.  It's nerve racking that these 31 assholes and the conglomorate that owns the packers can't come to an agreement to get richer with their employees.  As for the NBA lockout, I really couldn't give two shits.  Maybe just one shit.  This game came down to Kevin Correia outscoring Cliff Lee by 2 points. 

Power Ranks are below.  I've included last week's ranks because I didn't do them last week either.  But an interesting thing pops out to me.  There has been talk of relegation lately, and it's STILL too early even though there are a hand ful of games left.  The reason being is that 8 teams will make the playoffs, and we have 6 teams over .500, and the rest are 5-8 or 4-9 fighting it out for the two remaining spots.  Even Kitten Mittons has a shot at making it if he ever showed u.  I'm pretty sure this show that there are a few haves and a lot of have nots in our league, but it makes it competitive and exciting going down the stretch.  Just about anyone could be relegated at this point!

Rank Team Name Week 12 Week 13 Total Wk 12 Pts Wk 13 Pts Total Power Points Wins
1 Picture Me Rollins 315.4 340.9 4583.5 14 11 150 12
2 Royals Yosting 308.2 274.8 4443.8 12 9 146 11
3 Anything You Cantu 261.5 234.2 4135.5 6 6 123 8
4 Total Eclipse of the Hart 300.3 293.3 3968.6 9 10 112 7
5 Jeff's Mom is a Kent 270.2 349.6 3770.5 7 12 110 5
6 My Pujols is Byrnsin 307.6 241.6 3828.8 11 7 106 5
7 Smoakin w/ Jeffress 305.6 472.9 3874.8 10 14 105 8
8 Grienke's Gnome Mage 213.9 227.7 3667.7 4 3 89 5
9 Electric Litch Orchestra 315.1 228.9 3531.7 13 4 85 5
10.5 Randy like the Wolf 193.1 364 3482.2 2 13 78 4
10.5 Nomar Mr. Nice Guy 278.9 229 3313.1 8 5 78 7
12 Halladay Road 241.4 261.6 3572.9 5 8 71 5
13 The Milledge Idiot 200.1 202.6 3220.4 3 2 62 5
14 Rewind Yourself 160.6 173.8 2884.1 1 1 50 4
Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Brew Crew Ball

You must be a member of Brew Crew Ball to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Brew Crew Ball. You should read them.

Join Brew Crew Ball

You must be a member of Brew Crew Ball to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Brew Crew Ball. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.