BCB Fantasy Football HATE Thread

But this thread is so mockable I couldn’t resist.

Extra Tobasco (not even the good stuff) to give you into exactly what you played like… A Leaky Asshole.

I know you wanted to hang out in the fantasy locker room with the other cat shit eating ass ponies Ryan Torain and Austin Collie, but the job you are getting paid to do is playing football, and we usually do that on Sundays. Thanks for nothing. It was cool that I was able to get AF and had to forgo some depth at RB, but seriously Torain? Shanahan is gonna have your ass on the practice squad next week and then starting the week after that, get yer ass in the game!

I realize that Yahoo auto-drafted you way before any normal person would take a kicker because Hurricane Irene knocked my power out the day of the draft. I don’t fault you for your draft position. But to go out and get injured on the first fucking play of your season!? You didn’t even have the decency to allow me to sub in a different kicker so I didn’t have to stare at your pathetic goose-egg this morning. Now I have to hope that Reggie fucking Bush outscores Jerod Mayo + 3 points in order to win in a league this week.

I hope there’s a special circle of hell reserved for you where lap dogs constantly try to dangle from your nuts.

The only 2 that screwed me were Tolbert and Starks taking away points from my Ryans. The athletic running backs, not the fat fetishists. Starks helped get the Pack a win, and Tolbert got himself hurt before I could even decide which of the Biblical plagues I wanted him to suffer from.

Good solid effort this week. That is all.

Way to curl up into a ball in the corner and crap yourselves because you saw ManBearPig (aka Ndamukong Suh) shredding your offensive line and thirsting for blood. Josh Freeman is my QB in three leagues, and you proceeded to give him as much help as a 100 year old lady trying to move a couch.

Also, thanks Jets defense. Thanks for spotting the Cowboys a two-score lead most of the day and rendering Shonn Greene basically useless. I hope Antonio Cromartie’s baby-mommas all come asking for the child support at the same time and leave him a broke, shivering mess, sleeping in a refrigerator box.

But most of all, you suck Denver offensive line. Since Knowshon Moreno is my opponent’s only hope for a win this week, I hope that on every running play Matt Shaughnessy slices through you like a chainsaw through a stick of butter.

can stick his head in a bag full of assholes and inhale deeply. That’s what his play smelled like all afternoon.

Way to completely #@$! the bed this week. Every single one of you earned less than HALF the points you were projected to earn.

Dear Matt Ryan, learn to throw the ball, and learn to throw it to your offense. I’ll give you a pass on this week being a fluke, but you better get your rear in gear.

Dear All Day, 9 F$#@ing points! You at the very least could have taken that 60 yard run into the end zone instead of taking a dump on the 1 yard line. Finish what you start.

Peyton Hillis, you were playing Cincinnati. Break some tackles and get some yards.

Dear Marshawn Lynch, I had such high hopes for you, but I’m going to bench you for Darren Sproles next week. Earn my trust back with some performance on the bench, and I’ll consider putting you in the flex again.

Mike Wallace, we’re cool. You caught 100 yards, you just didn’t find the end zone. I know that’ll change in the future. Keep working hard.

Dallas Clark, even though your QB1 is down, your hands should still work. Get open, and catch some damn passes.

Giants D, whatever. Prepare to get cut in favor of a team with a better match up next week.

Rob Bironas, make your freaking field goals. Your team won’t get you in range often, and you wiffed on your only chance this week.

Everyone on my bench: Good job this week. Keep it up, and you’ll start soon with the way the starters are performing. I’m looking at you Darren Sproles and Kevin Kolb. Michael Bush, here’s your chance to shine tonight. Put an impressive performance on the board and put my mind at ease a bit.

My team’s doing well.

M. Schaub – How can your team put up 34 points and you only throw 1 TD? Improve on that for the future, please.
S. Jackson – Nice run, but I forgot that you get injured every time you run. That’s why I never drafted you before this season.
A. Peterson – You got your contract, now find the end zone next week.
R. Bush – Watching you right now, just don’t have any fumble problems…
R. Wayne – Nice job, thanks for showing me you can produce without P. Manning.
K. Britt – I think I love you….I mean, great job. Keep it up. Didn’t think you had that in you with M. Hasselbeck at QB.
D. Clark – Be more like R. Wayne next week.
Lions D/ST – Good start, keep playing like that.
R. Bironas – [Sarcasm] You couldn’t make a 67 yard field goal! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!??? [/Sarcasm]

You fuckers are in big trouble.

Wes Welker. 99 yd touchdown pass. Yeah, it’s 11 already.

Doin’ okay.

Sat the Packers D, stuck Drew Brees on the bench. And still won. Big props to you, Mr. Welker.

I’m actually happy that my team managed 88 points considering Kyle Orton is the QB.