What a week. We had some of the worst performances of the year. Some unexpected, some called here. Let's just get down to it and see what happened.
Nullacct's Suh Mack Hawk beat Officer Jim Lahey's King of the Rats 139-69: What is it about kids that make them get you sick every single fucking time they get sick? Seriously, every time he gets the sniffles, I end up on my death bed. It's ridiculous. The wife is in rough shape, I'm dying here. Ugghh. Nullact's boys came out firing led by Brees, football pedroiah, and Ladanian. Jim could get nothing going. Outside of A-rodg and Owen Daniels, no player was in the double digits. Only 5 points from 3 receivers doomed him.
TAPMoney's Clay With My Balls beat MrLeam's Put Something Offensive Here 110-71: I'm trying the Zycam thing for the first time, and while it's kinda working, I have one major complaint. For those not familiar, zycam is supposedly supposed to lessen the impact and duration of a cold as long as you get it at the first signs, which I have. For about an hour after i dissolve one of those tablets, it kills all taste I have in my mouth. Everything tastes like... well... nothing... it's just bad. Leam had a similar week as Jim, with a big game from his QB, one other guy, and single digit output from everyone else. Tap had big weeks from DMC and Freddy Jackson, along with solid weeks from Jason Hanson, Cam, and Ray Rice. Now Leam had about as many points on his bench as he did in his lineup, it would've only made a 30 point difference, and not enough to catch TAP.
JEO's Come On Hakeem beat MichaelM's One Testy Punter 103-85: You know what's worse than an emotional pregnant wife? One with a severe cold. You think those Somalis are suffereing... JEO Got off the shneid, but only because Michael M didn't check the inactives. Maybe if he had, he would've benched a strep stricken Peyton Hillis and put in Ryan Grant. He'd also realize that Deion Branch is old and not very good at football anymore and put in Lance Moore, which would've won it for him. Oh well, that's life. JEO got big performances from his Ravens (Flacco and the D) as well as solid performances from Fitty, Jano, and Greg Olson for his first win of the year.
TwoShoesMagoozes... Where the hell did that name come from?!? UNAPPROVED!!!! Anyway, he beat BrewTownBoozer's I Just Called To Say Fuck You 83-81. OH MAN!!! This came down to the last actual play of real football of the week. Boozer has a 1 point lead with the Cowboys D left playing. All Rex Grossman has to do is not turn the ball over in the final seconds and Boozer has a 1 point win. What does the Sex Cannon do? He attempts to UNLEASH THE DRAGON and is chased down and sacked... AND FUMBLES!!! The Cowboys recover. That's how things go in the Sexy Business. Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahaha. I don't even need to go any further in this review. That's all you need to know. I'd feel worse for Boozer, but he's got post season tickets to just about every conceivable game at miller park, so sometimes you need some negative to go with positive.
Hyatt's You Had Me at Meat Tornado beat Zora's I just wanna use your Lovie Tonight 83-62: It makes me smile that as soon as Espin the magazine comes out with their horrible, hate confirming Boston is the best issue, that the Red Sox are in the process of blowing the Wild Card. Schadenfreude is truly the best freude. Also, LeSean McCoy needs a killer nickname since he's just ripping it up this fantasy season. Get on it gentlemen. McCoy led my team to victory as Zora got little from his running backs (victim of the Beanie Wells late scratch). There were other contributors for me, but I need a word with Steven Jackson, Santonio, and the Eagles D. First Steven, if you are going to give it a go, actually try. My god, 2 points is god awful. Santonio and the Eagles, you are better than that. C'mon guys. Another week of this crap and I'll wish ill of you.
DoubleB440's Tramon Eileen beat AndrewHeidke's Orange Crush 82-74: This morning I heard Mike Greenberg call the Red Sox collapse The Statistically Greatest Collapse in Baseball History!!! I really doubt that. In fact, STAT BOYS, ASSEMBLE!!! Tell me what is the Greatest Collapse in Baseball History. I'm sure the Mets of 07 could qualify in there blowing an 8 game lead with 17 to go. My main motivation in this, of course, is to prove Espin wrong and call their people idiots. Despite poor showings from his QB and RBs, Double B pulled it out with 22 from Rob Gronkowski leading the way.
Noah's Kuhn Tang Klan ANTFW beat pjpaulus' Armageddon Day 122-83: Speaking of which, on NFL Countdown, which I flipped to since the NFL Network's pregame show was on commercial, I saw Tom Jackson say, "Jermichael Finley is going to have a tough day today against that Bears D." I will let you sit with that without further comment, as I did enough on Twitter on Sunday. Noah didn't have a tough day, as Shaub, LeSean, Daniel Thomas, and the Ravens D led the way for a comfortable victory over PJ. Despite Fred Jackson's (Fjax from now on) continued great performance, PJ couldn't get enough from Dez, Blount, or his formidable receivers.
Tepo's Using Your Head w/ James Harrison beat Icecreamman's Ice Cold Bruschis 120-112: Speaking of terrible ESPN predictions, Steve Young said last night, "By the end of the season, we'll see Rex Grossman as a top 10 QB in the NFL." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Tepo had an up and down week. The down was that he's started a slowed Djax, Hines Ward for some unknown reason, and Thomas Jones who did little. The Up was he also started Stafford, Megatron, Ryan Matthews, and Finley. Those 4 combined for 99 points, and led him to victory. IceCreamMan put up a good week with Welker, Brees, and MJD, but got little from anyone else to put him over the top.
Jarl's Mississippi Dongslingers beat Mason's Dexter's Viking Adventure 93-70: I have a new favorite fake twitter. It is @Braun_Swanson. Why is it my new favorite? HOW CAN IT NOT BE?!? IT'S RYAN BRAUN AND RON FUCKING SWANSON TOGETHER IN ONE FEED!!! The combination of Flacco and Gronkowski along with a solid effort from Felix led Jarl's squad to victory. Mason didn't have much this week, as Santonio, Steve Smith, and Mike Tolbert combined for 5 points together. Even with Bradshaw, Fitty, and Owen Daniels, it wasn't enough.
Rendezvous All The Bacon and Eggs You Have beat Drzden's Mendenhall's OBL Fan Club 87-78: Archer is on a 3 episode mini-series right now. And frankly, I'm disappointed. As Peter King screams for More Funkhauser (Why?), I will scream for MORE KRIEGER!!!! The Good Doctor has not been present in this entire Pirate arch at all. Though seeing a passed out, naked Pam who farts in her sleep with her Lord Byron Back Tattoo is always a laugh getter. Rough week for Drzden, as not only did he lose the game, he also lost Kenny Britt for the season. Fitzpatrick, Roddy, Bowe, and Greg Olsen had good games, but Vous had more. Brady, and Ray Rice put him over the top.
Fiesta's AfterLifeAquatic with OBL beat tcyoung's And that's how you get Grants 82-81: The term Pig Parker was coined on Curb this past season. That's a terrible term for someone who is terrible at parking. I prefer Asshole. Anyway, it was only a matter of time before this site came to pass, and it is long overdue. Both teams were the victims of late scratches, as Tim lost Beanie and Fiesta lost Hillis. What was the difference in this game? Dallas Clark sucked but scored 1 point for Fiesta. The Jets D sucked and scored 0 for Tim. That's it.
Hyatt's Cutler's Pottery Barn Gift Receipt beat RyanSmith's Jay Cutler's Kneegina 62-50: This was an embarrassment for both teams. Just ridiculous. in no way did I deserve to win this game. Marmalard, were you too busy looking like hitler youth to float the damn ball to a receiver in the end zone?!? Mendehall, you got plugged up by the fucking colts?!? Ced, were you to busy committing class 2 misdemeanors to get some yards against the fucking 49ers?!? AJ, it's the FUCKING 49ers AT HOME!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Anyway, at least I won, ryan had only 2 guys in double digits, and the rest just shat up the joint.
Yar Nivek's I WILL DESTROY HER beat shmita91's Ernest goes to Kampman 129-81: I'm not sure how you spend your Sunday Mornings, but I am constantly on twitter from about 10 until 11:30 just to get the inactives. You have to pay attention to guys like Glazer, Shefter, and Will Carroll just to make sure you aren't going to get in a Peyton Hillis situation as was this past week. If you aren't on Twitter and are relying on pre-game shows or even the breaking news on your team page, then you are at a disadvantage. Kevin got little from the Pats D, Rivers (Marmalard), and Brandon Lloyd. Everyone else was stellar, including Welker, Gronkowski, MJD, and Bradshaw. Shmit couldn't keep pace, as none of his running backs or Vick could get into the double digits. Finley and Megatron couldn't get enough for him to keep pace with Kevin's team, who after a weak 2nd game, bounced back with a league leading performance.
TheBrouhaha's Drop it Like It's Hot ft. James Jones beat LosinCatmansLove's Day Drinkin with Mike Vrabel 111-49: Something that absolutely disturbed the hell out of me was that Adam McCalvy announced that he was no longer paying attention to his fantasy football team now that he's 0-3 in his league. DUDE, IT'S WEEK FUCKING 3!!! THERE IS A TON OF SEASON LEFT. DO NOT BE THAT GUY. It pisses me off to no end when people do early abandonment of their fantasy team (see Kitten Mittens). But it's only the 3rd week of the year, and there's a lot of season left. See example A, Catman here. He's 0-3, and got destroyed this week. No one was really worth mentioning outside of Cutler. But he has hope. Daniel Thomas is taking over in Miami, and Joe Flacco seems to be on a breakout year where he'll put himself squarely in the top 10. The Brouhaha had DMC and A-rodg dominate this week, and that's really all he needed.
Cheezconqueso's I wanna Rex You Up beat Saltire's Pippa middleton's hypnotic A$$ 104-69: Hey Ladies, want to kill my erection? Keep wearing those floor length hippy style dresses. That'll do it. Turns out Saltire's juggernaut can be stopped. All it took was sub par weeks from Kolb and Hakeem Nicks, and Miles Austin, Romo, Aaron Hernandez, and Beanie Wells being hurt. Cheez got big weeks from Fitzpatrick, Fjax, and Mike Wallace to pull the "upset". I have a feeling that this is not Desean Jackson's year. Just a hunch. I just think Mike "literary license" Kafka will play too much for him to have a good year.
TexWestern's Rock Me Abrederis beat golfallday's Gilbert Brown's manssiere 98-80: Speaking of the Eagles, pretty sure that dream team bullsh isn't going to work out for them. Who knew Mike Vick would be injury prone and not be able to play 16 games outside of EVERYONE. It's life. And Mike was complaining about getting hit and refs not protecting him as much as a QB. Mike, you were running the ball. Once you leave the pocket and get beyond the line of scrimmage, your QB forcefield goes out the window and you become a running back. Get used to it buddy. Ass. Tex went to 3-0 on the backs of Matt Stafford and Jason Hanson. His team was unspectacular otherwise, but got the job done. Golf had Brees, but lost opportunities playing Brandon Marshall and Dexter McCluster over Felix Jones and Joe Addai. I understand his reasoning, but it cost him. Sub par outings from AJ Green and Evan Moore (really?) hurt his cause as he went down for the 3rd time in a row.
Meiz's Hyatt's Wife and My Kids beat JP's Indianapolis Steakhouse 93-72: I read a story about people in Indianapolis that is worth sharing here:
I overheard a woman say, “I just can’t cheer for Peyton Manning anymore. Did you hear he had that surgery where they have to kill babies to get stem cells?
And that is the most Indianapolis story you will ever read. Middle America... Fuck yeah!!! Meiz was led by Brady, Stevie Johnson and Owen Daniels, and overcame a crap performance by Nate Burleson to get the W. Had he played... nevermind, his bench options are pretty awful too. JP got a combined total of 4 points between his receiving corps and flex position, dooming him to the loss. One of these days, people will listen when I say that Santana Moss is a solid Flex guy.
Hyatt's Cromartie's Foster Kid Emporium beat trippingandy's Gary Glitter U-16s 91-83: Hey look! Steve Smith can't catch in a monsoon. Ridiculous. So I had a choice to make. I already screwed up by throwing Fred Davis out there when Vernon decided to wake up (asshat). Since Arian was out, I had a choice between Ladanian and Mike Thomas. I chose wisely, and it won me the week. His 20 coupled with Matthews' 26 led the way as it was proven the only way to stop Cam is said monsoon. Andy had little else outside of the Ravens D. The Jets D also decided to take the week off. Thanks assholes.
There are my reviews, feel free to spew your hate in the comments. And let's get a nickname for McCoy.