Redemption: How Braunie, the Prince, Axeman, T-Plush and Brew Crew Ball salvaged my summer from hell
by stigmo on Sep 29, 2011 4:52 PM CDT
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PrintThanks to Steve for sharing this incredibly sad, but uplifting personal story about this season. - KL
A title like that, I suppose, merits prose better than what you're about to read. Nevertheless, I hope you'll tolerate this very personal reflection on this season.
I told my wife last night that I suspect a guy's favorite season of baseball should take place when he's 10 or 12 years old rather than 27. But regardless of how this season ends--with a World Series title, an ugly sweep at the hands of the D-Backs, or anything in between--I had more fun this year than I ever have watching baseball.
In the first year of our marriage, my wife and I were blessed to have a little boy. We deeply desired a large family, but the last few years we've struggled with infertility and in 2010 the miscarriage of our second child. On Father's Day this year, we were delightfully shocked to find out we were expecting again. Hollywood couldn't have scripted it better.
We were thrilled to go to our first ultrasound. I still remember my son's first ultrasound. For a bewildered 22-year-old, seeing that tiny heart beating away was probably even more powerful and awe-inspiring than the birth. But that July morning, there was no heartbeat. We were told to expect to miscarry a second time within a week. And so began my month-and-a-half long odyssey through the bowels of hell.
I'll spare you details, but a week turned into many weeks. Eventually, since my wife still appeared to be pregnant, the ultrasound tech said maybe they made a mistake. But that glimmer of hope merely provided an additional opportunity for our dreams to be crushed when the initial diagnosis was confirmed. Over the weeks ahead, my wife suffered tremendous physical pain. Together we grieved deeply.
*****
The aluminum lining to all of this was that our bad news coincided with the start of the Brewers hot streak. Through the misery, a late-night emergency room visit, and all the emotional anguish, the Crew provided a welcome distraction that brought me happiness and even a little peace. For a few weeks this summer I NEEDED them to win. And they did--nearly every day.
It wasn't just that I was rooting for a hot team; the fun-loving, never-say-die personality of this team took the edge off of my sadness. Nyjer's antics, our twin MVPs, the unhittable pitching staff...Heck, John Axford's stupid mustache gave me more joy than should be allowed by law. I love this team.
As I rode the escalator down from the cheap seats (at my all-time high 8th game of the year!) last night my wife asked me if I had a good time. I couldn't answer her. I knew I'd get emotional...about a baseball game.
But it was more than that. And it was more than a much-needed escape. You see, the Brewers became the first real shared hobby that my four-year-old and I could bond over. He sat through six games, absolutely absorbed to the last pitch. He'll point out Ryan Braun or Rickie Weeks in the on-deck circle from row 15 of Terrace Reserved. And each day, the first words out of his mouth are "Daddy, did the Brewers win? Can we watch the headlights? (ha!)" I'm still sad about the two children I've lost, but baseball has given me an awesome tool for cementing my father-son relationship with the little man that we do have. For that I will always be grateful.
*****
As I wrap up, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the role that Brew Crew Ball has played in all of this. I'm not smart enough to comment much, but I check the site a good half-dozen times a day. I can't afford cable so when I don't score free or cheap tickets, I catch most of the games simply tracking the GameCast online and reading the Game Threads here. While I'm generally pretty anonymous, the community and the insights and analysis are largely responsible for my enjoyment. Whatever happens with the Brewers, my first thoughts usually include "I can't wait to see Jordan's analysis," or "I wonder how this will affect the BCB tracking poll," or even "I wonder how Nullact will photoshop this." It's no coincidence that my love of the Brew Crew skyrocketed in the spring of 2007--about the same time I stumbled upon this website.
I'll be braving the wind and the rain to take my son to the playoff rally today. So if you see a dopey looking 20-something walking around with a cute 4-year-old boy wearing a Madison Mallards or Packers Super Bowl hat, stop and introduce yourself; I owe you a beer.
God bless you all.
-Steve
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Thoughts and prayers for you, your wife, and your family
Steve,
Wow. Just wow. I am thankful to you for opening up your heart and baring it for us to see. While I will not claim to know anything about the horror that your wife and family have gone through, I did want you to know that your story touched me. My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. A year and a half ago, we started trying to have children, about which we were both excited, but my wife especially since she has always placed motherhood atop her life goals. We were lucky, and she found out she was pregnant a few months later. Like you, I remember how awesome it was to see our child’s tiny heart thumping away on the first ultrasound, which we saw very early at around 8 weeks or so.
It was not in God’s plan, however, and my wife suffered a miscarriage at around 12 weeks. Sitting in an exam room staring at a screen and looking for a beating heart that SHOULD be there, but is not, was the blackest, vilest experience I want to imagine. The year following that loss has been undoubtedly the worst and hardest year of our lives, partly because we have both been blessed without having to really go through hardship before this. My wife had numerous times in which she frankly discussed having lost faith, and believed that we would never have another chance. She felt broken physically and emotionally and sometimes spiritually, and I felt broken for not being able to do anything about it. It didn’t help that numerous friends, family, and colleagues have had children in the past year as well.
I appreciate you having the courage to share your experience because miscarriage, despite being one of the most tragic things I can imagine going through, is something that no one seems to talk about. I think that makes it all the more difficult, because it’s easy to wonder why you, as a couple, need to suffer through this so much when no one else seems to. This is just not the case in fact – miscarriage is incredibly common, and so is infertility of one severity or another. I think it can help all of us to share our experiences, both as a cathartic act for ourselves, but also to let others out there know that they are not alone in their suffering.
With that, I am overjoyed to say that my wife is now 16 weeks pregnant, and so far everything appears to be going well. After a miscarriage and the pressure of not getting pregnant again immediately, it is difficult to fully enjoy things as I wish I could have had we not lost our first child. The first trimester was more of an agonizing, worrying grind than a joyful time of anticipation. Though we are now beyond the greatest miscarriage risk, it is impossible for us to completely put the thought out of our minds. I am often reminded of the secret place where I hid our first ultrasound pictures from last year before we lost the baby so that my wife would not stumble upon them – they are out of sight, but certainly not out of my mind.
I’ll leave it at that. Thank you Steve, and my prayers are with you and your family. I do not know what you may believe, but I know that I personally believe that God does indeed work for the good of those who love him, and that has buoyed us through our difficult year. And I also can relate to your thoughts regarding the Brewers and an escape from the inescapable aspects of life. Go Crew!
Jeremy
by JLHanke on Sep 29, 2011 1:53 PM CDT reply actions 7 recs
Great story and best of wishes to you and your family,
and if I see you I certainly will ask you for my beer :)
"I should run a marathon backwards, so I can see what 2nd place look like"
- Royce Da 5'9"
I've always wondered if he's actually 5'9".
The Lombardi trophy should either be in it's birth place, or else on a vacation in South Beach.
Really puts everything in perspective
Thanks for sharing and wish your family the best going forward.
My wife and I struggled with infertility too, but are now proud parents of two beautiful kids.
Pujols is the Barack Obama of baseball.
Thank you for sharing this Steve
My wife and I were blessed with two little boys, and I cannot hope to ever fully comprehend what you have gone through. Just know that me and mine will have you in our thoughts and prayers.
Also, GO BREWERS!
"If we want to sign a Type A free agent, we would lose a second-round pick, but we don't have a way to get picks back. Our whole Draft process needs to be redone."
~Doug Melvin
Steve:
My wife and I had a similar experience the first time we tried to have a child and it’s a brutal thing to go through. I’m was very happy to reach the end of your article and see you and your wife already have a son. They’re great when they’re 4 aren’t they? When they start to like the things you like? The first time I took my now 7 year old to see a ballgame it felt like I was passing down a bit of my own father and my grandfather to him, even though he never knew either one. Like there was a little piece of eternity I could box up and hand to him to keep.
So sorry for your loss, and so glad you found some peace in baseball.
God Bless you and your family.
"fortunate, but also lucky"
by Ted Simmons Speed Camp on Sep 29, 2011 5:16 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Thanks so much
I don’t think I would have written it had I not seen your piece about your mother from about a month ago. Thanks for writing it, and know that I said a prayer for your family from far away.
As for the joy of raising a four-year-old, yes. It’s fantastic. At some point during the rally today, I realized that I was enjoying the day for its own merits…but far and away the greatest joy was what I experienced vicariously through my son. When he saw Ryan Braun (who he inexplicably calls Bryan Braun), he was so excited I thought he lost his mind. What a day.
Steve
http://nohuddleoffense.blogspot.com
Thanks for that post, Steve.
My wife and I have had two close friends miscarry this summer. I can’t even imagine the pain and grief they – and you – have been going through. God bless you, your wife, and your son. Hang in there.
Wow,
Just wow! Thanks so much for your story Steve. It touched me deeply. Brew Crew Ball is a great online community, and it’s just awesome that something so seemingly trivial as sports can bring people together in meaningful ways. Bless everyone on this board (even the occasional card’s fan)
-Ian
Steve
Sorry to hear of your struggles. But I’m glad you’re getting to enjoy this season with your 4-year-old. That’s the age my son was when I took him to his first Brewers Spring Training in 2008, where he kept asking me, “Where’s Ryan Braun now, daddy?” He’d been to plenty of Angels games, but that was the moment he became The Braunophile. It’s a great age to enjoy and start sharing your baseball interests with them.
Thanks for sharing that poignant story. I was already rooting for your Brewers anyway
but another reason to do so! My cousin went through something similar and it was awful for her and her husband. They do have a lovely daughter, a real blessing, but that painful period was awful.
And I also know what it is like to find solace in sports and when one of our teams gives us something to root for during times of duress, it is also a blessing. (I’ve also learned when they are faring poorly, how to turn it off so it doesn’t add to your depression. Just use it when it is a positive.)
All the best.
There's no need to fear, Underdog is here! / Broncos/Dodgers/Lakers fan in Niners/Raiders/Giants/Warriors country, and damned proud of it.
Oh PS: Dodgers fan here so excuse the intrusion, but I am rooting for the Brewers
the one NL team left that I don’t loathe. ;-) It’s time, do Milwaukee proud!
Sorry to give you a scare the other night too btw, that was stressful enough for me when Dodgers blew that lead, and it didn’t mean anything to them thankfully. But also thankfully, both Brewers and Dodgers won yesterday so it didn’t end up mattering.
Those DBacks are dangerous though, can’t assume anything with them no matter how in hand a game seems, they have come back a lot this year. Beat ’em!
There's no need to fear, Underdog is here! / Broncos/Dodgers/Lakers fan in Niners/Raiders/Giants/Warriors country, and damned proud of it.
Hey, Steve -
When you suffer a loss, the opposite always happens at some point ( :
All the best too you, and it sure looked like a fun rally! What is it with kids and baseball, btw?
My brother, when he was around 4, had a little magnetic board attached to a little desk, and used the letters and numbers to keep score.
It makes me wonder about natural baseball instinct.
*Best wishes to your soul-mate, and give her a BCB cyber-hug!
FanGraphs should consider a venue for a Gallery Night... they could even serve a cake with a Win Expectancy Chart of the 7/7/11 Brewers' game etched in the frosting, and 7-up. Oh, yeah - and t-shirts that say "SABR-Friday." I'm totally there.
by Jess'HittheBall on Sep 29, 2011 7:28 PM CDT reply actions
A big thank you to all of you
When I wrote this, it was largely for cathartic purposes. I even wondered if it might get flagged as spam, but sometimes I just need to write.
I’d love to respond to each of you personally, but that would get a bit crazy. So instead, know that you have my genuine appreciation for your kinds words, for rec-ing it, and for promoting it to the front page (a massive honor given the quality of writing on this site).
Finally (and I hope I don’t violate any rules here, but since several commenters expressed that they or loved ones have been through this themselves, I feel I should mention it), after our first miscarriage, we were involved in the institution of a burial site for miscarried and stillborn children just outside of Madison: . Everybody grieves differently, but I thought I’d post thank link as a resource for anybody in (or out of) the area who might be interested. It’s helped bring a lot of people comfort and closure in the last year. It’s pretty Catholic, which is where I hope I’m not violating any posting guidelines here, but it really is a fantastic place that’s open to anybody.
Steve
http://nohuddleoffense.blogspot.com
My thoughts and prayers are certainly with you and your family.
Just would like to throw this out there, while this topic is hot. There is a book out there called ‘Heaven is For Real.’ The book contains some themes and situations similar to yours. It is a great book and an easy read. While religion is a prevalent theme throughout the book, it is not one of those that is overbearing. I do not consider myself to be very religious, although I am firm in my beliefs. If anyone is interested, I would recommend reading it.
"People ask me what I do in the winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring."- Rogers Hornsby
by icecreamman on Sep 29, 2011 10:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Anything that offers comfort to people in situations like this . . .
is a good thing : ) Labels aside.
*or in any situation.
FanGraphs should consider a venue for a Gallery Night... they could even serve a cake with a Win Expectancy Chart of the 7/7/11 Brewers' game etched in the frosting, and 7-up. Oh, yeah - and t-shirts that say "SABR-Friday." I'm totally there.
by Jess'HittheBall on Sep 30, 2011 12:02 AM CDT up reply actions
My heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve experienced this summer but am heartened to hear about the deepening bond between you and your son. I wish you years of fun sharing your love of baseball with your son.
Talking sports with my dad is one of my favorite things. The first thing I did when the Brewers clinched (both the division and the second seed) was call him. There is no one else in the world I would rather talk to at that moment. I wish you that as you and your son grow older.
by Oakland Brewer Fan on Sep 29, 2011 10:47 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story.
It’s always so refreshing to read or listen to someone who is so honest and willing to share their experiences with others.
Thank you for opening your heart and in the process widening mine.
Lots and lots of love your way!
I was disappointed with the lack of hookers but the pancakes were delightful
Thank you Steve
…for sharing this. My wife and I lost a baby in June. We too had already been blessed with a healthy, wonderful son (ours is 17 months now) and I don’t know how we’d have coped with things were it not for him. Watching this team play has been a great diversion and, as you say, a great shared experience for our family in this time. Our son isn’t quite old enough to know what’s going on just yet, but he’s certainly being immersed in Brewers fandom from the start.
I wish your family the very best, and GO BREW CREW!!!
-Jason
"Business... then whores!"
by The George Kottaras Sports Machine on Sep 29, 2011 11:41 PM CDT reply actions
Great post Steve
I understand how hard it is. My wife had a miscarriage over the winter and it was the hardest thing we’ve dealt with. We both shed many tears, and still do(I am now). This season took our minds off it and noe my wife is carrying a little girl. The Crew has carried us through many hard times. I’m repaying them by giving my children Brewer names(my little girl will be Morgan is in the original T Plush). It seems silly to someone who hasn’t had this crutch to lean on, but all of us who have will forever be grateful to the Brewers and their truly awesome fans.
by Mr. McGehee on Sep 29, 2011 11:45 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
Steve
was your son in a blue jacket and a Mallards hat and sitting on your shoulders the whole rally? Because if so, you were two rows directly in front of us. I’m sorry I didnt see your post before leaving for the rally or I absolutely would’ve said hi.
Thank you for sharing
this is very touching.
Brewers:
2011 NL Central Champs!
National League #2 Seed
Franchise record for wins
And this is what makes this site great
Great admins, great writing, with even greater content, and great fans. The fact that one can post something like this at a site like this, and get the reception this has, warms my heart. Don’t you people know that sites like this are supposed to be places where we can anonymously tear each other apart?? (/sarcasm)
Thanks Steve for sharing your story with us. May Christ continue to bless you as you walk through life’s struggles. And thanks Kyle, et al, for running a site that feels more like a family than any internet blog should!
Thanks for the perspective
I’ve been trolling this site for a few months, and have never felt obliged to contribute to a discussion, as the site is filled with insight and wit, written in a way that exceeds my ability to use the written word. I love the combination of logic and passion that I have found here. It’s been fun reading comments and input from ‘normal’ people, compared to the rest of the web filled with comments from the masses that are vitriolic rubbish. Stigmo and Ted Simmons Speed camp have both posted items that made me think about baseball with an entirely different perspective.
As a long-time Brewer fan, I have found the 2nd half of this season as almost surreal. I am afraid to get my hopes too far up as the Big Market teams seem built to easily overtake our small market heroes, but I can’t wait to see how the playoffs shake out. The possibility of a championship in Wisconsin is more real now than it ever has been in my lifetime.
The best part of this season for me is the fact that I have been able to see this team inspire the same passion in my kids (10, 8, and 4) as was inspired in me when I was 10 years old in 1982, which is what makes this thread resonate with me.
Spending more than few games (love the 9 game pack) at Miller park over the last couple of years has helped me establish a bond with my boys, baseball, and the Brewers that defies explanation. Playing catch on Helafaer field on a warm Sunday afternoon is possibly the ultimate moment of zen, exceed only by Rickie Weeks legging out an in the park homer, seeing a grand slam fly off the bat of Shaun Marcum, witnessing any number of monster shots from Prince, or grabbing the edge of my seat as Braun pumps his bat prior to another clutch hit.
Baseball like this would be fun anywhere, but it seems more cool as I think about the people who I see in the parking lot and in the seat around me. They are from all walks off Wisconsin life, ranging from the boorish 23 year old out to have a good time; to the 50 year old couple that spends their time together at the park; the group out to celebrate a birthday, a wedding, or just to get together, or to the other Dad’s out at the park sharing a moment with their kids.
Win or lose this postseason, we have witnessed to an awesome ride, and I am grateful to have seen it and seen with with 3,000,000 other Brewers fans.
Steve, I too will send up a little prayer for you…I’ve been close to both family and friends who have endured your situation, and know that there is little we can say that eases your pain, but find solace in knowing that the simple act of watching Brewer baseball creates the same joy in your life that it does in mine.
Go Crew!
by BrewerBryan on Sep 30, 2011 7:04 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
A very touching article
and a perfect example of what makes this site, and SBN as a whole, great. Thanks for sharing your story, and best of wishes to your family.
"Coach Gundy, why was Oklahoma able to march right down the field against you?" --Erin Andrews
by dishingoutdimes on Sep 30, 2011 10:32 PM CDT reply actions
Steve
thank you for sharing your story. As a father, my heart breaks for your family struggles. Enjoy the series, and thank you for being a part of the BCB family. And be less of a stranger. Not thinking you are as smart as others here never stopped me from commenting.
"That's not a weird stat. Rickie is a run-scorer," Yost said. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter," Yost told reporters. "See, you guys have no concept. He's a run-scorer. So there's nothing weird about it. That's what he does."
BCB Fantasy Football League 1 Champ
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NL Central Standings
| W | L | PCT | GB | STRK | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Cincinnati
|
26 | 20 | .565 | 0 | Won 1 |
|
St. Louis
|
25 | 22 | .531 | 1.5 | Lost 3 |
|
Houston
|
22 | 24 | .478 | 4 | Lost 1 |
|
Pittsburgh
|
22 | 24 | .478 | 4 | Won 2 |
|
Milwaukee
|
19 | 27 | .413 | 7 | Lost 1 |
|
Chicago
|
15 | 31 | .326 | 11 | Lost 11 |
(updated 5.27.2012 at 12:11 PM CDT)
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