Programming note: The Frosty Mug is off Friday. It will return on Monday. - KL
Confirmation bias - "a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses. People display this bias when they gather or remember information selectively, or when they interpret it in a biased way." (Wikipedia)
Oh, look. It's Adam Wainwright celebrating. Again. Whatever.
It's been a while since I've written one of these. I stopped. I'm sorry if you missed it. I won't lie or sugarcoat. Things came up. I got kind of lazy (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the last edition). But my inspiration - nay, pure uninhibited fury - has inflamed once again. As I typed that last sentence, Matt Adams added two no-doubt Badger Mutual Insurance runs in the deciding game of the NLDS between the Cardinals and Pirates.
Now Dick Stockton is describing his legendary power. Yadier Molina walks and swags down to first base. Now the other guy is lauding the Cardinals' farm system. This isn't a parody. I'm literally typing as I hear it.
Those words and the words to follow these words are going to come off very sour grapes-ish, especially to Cardinals fans. To be clear - it totally is. Absolutely. No doubt about it. I'm sour. But I need to vent. Tarantino hasn't come out with anything in a year and a half and I need some catharsis.
Maxim: The Cardinals always [insert anything here].
They do. Always. I wonder if it's even fun for Adam Wainwright anymore. I mean, I think the market is saturated on Adam Wainwright playoff-series-clinching appearances. I don't know how many there have actually been. I don't feel like looking it up. It feels like a lot. All I know is I'm sick and tired of watching Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina embrace in a fit of jubilation like they haven't done it twenty times already.
Of course, this is only one of a hundred great Cardinals moments in Wednesday's game. Pick your favorite play by Pete Kozma. Or your favorite miraculous, momentum extinguishing line-drive double play. Or your favorite dramatic strikeout with two outs.
I've never been to St. Louis. I've never talked personally with a group of Cardinals fans. I wonder how they talk about baseball. Probably a lot of Hey Bill, remember that big hit by David Freese in that postseason game? Which one, Tom? Give me a minute to purge my memory and organize them all so I can cross-reference it with your memory. Hey Tim, when was the last time the Cards weren't in the NLCS? What are you talking about? The Cardinals not in the NLCS?
When I think of Cardinals playoff moments, I think of George Costanza's wallet. How do you keep track of it all? It's like the U.S. Dollar. They're becoming so abundant it's completely diluting their value. Bags of these things are being dropped from helicopters. How can their fans possibly appreciate all of these great moments when they're coming in so fast and frequently? Eventually, seeing Wainwright and Molina hugging and jumping around is like taking out the trash. Mouthwashing. Going to the bathroom. Just boring.
Acting students everywhere - study this footage closely, because it's pretty convincing:
If it weren't for the overlay you'd have to study the other players closely to figure out what year this took place.
Just think of all the incredible Cardinals moments off the top of your head. Now, the Pirates (oof). Now, the Brewers. CC Sabathia and the Cubs? Sure. Phillies kind of ruined that. Ryan Braun's grand slam (sorry again, Pirates)? I suppose. Nyjer Morgan? As good as it gets. Of course, what happened when they advanced to the NLCS? They were eliminated. By the Cardinals.
I don't feel religious until I watch the Cardinals play baseball. Because I refuse to accept that they are simply a well-oiled machine of an organization, I can only attribute the tyrannical Will of God to their ridiculous good fortune. Science has yet to work out the kinks in the process of baseball skill transplantation by reaching through wormholes and swapping Pete Kozma and Ozzie Smith without cracking the space-time continuum. As far as I can tell, that can still only be the work of God.
If you look closely, you can actually see the pursed lips of the Almighty as he gently envelops the traveling baseball with a soft whispering easterly breeze. Enough for Kozma to reach it, but not enough to make the play anything less than spectacular and instantly inserted into Cardinals lore.
People ask: Where is God? Children starving in Africa. Political chaos in the United States. The wave of co-sleeping tragedies. Perpetual violent religious extremism in the Middle East. Miley Cyrus. Sorry, guys. The Cardinals have a runner in scoring position with 2 outs. God's got priorities.
The good people of St. Louis have towels to wave around. Whoever opened the towel printing business in St. Louis must be generating the profit margins of a Fortune 500 enterprise. A wise trader would invest in St. Louis Cardinals towels while the price of a share remains at the reasonable price of a hundred a pop.
To be fair, life as Baseball's Best Fan isn't perfect. Heck, who's going to clinch the NLDS with a brilliant complete game in ten years once Wainwright's retired? How will then-Hall-of-Fame manager Mike Matheny choose between his several rookie-aces-signed-to-long-term-team-friendly-deals? Can you imagine the unbearable anxiety of this future organizational uncertainty?
When the Dodgers unleashed the pocketbook last offseason, thereby enacting every rich-envy receptor in my brain, I never thought I'd get to the point of actually rooting for them. But thanks to the blessed Cardinals' ruination of the Pirates' best season in over 20 years, I might just go impulse buy a Greinke jersey.
The only saving grace is that the Cardinals have the classiest, most intelligent fanbase in the world of sports. They deserve sustained success more than any other.
Let's see how they're reacting to the Game 5 win:
@Pirates haha faggots. Cinderella=over. Have fun on your couches.— hAlfBoYtAttEd (@Mullatoprince44) October 10, 2013
Ball game. Pirates are a bunch of pussies.— DatDudeTole⚾™ (@Rennyraw00) October 10, 2013
@kerrylindsay3 Pretty sure the first question on the Pirates pitching application is "Do you look like a greasy homo?"— Kane Lindsay (@Kanemlindsay) October 10, 2013
We are the best fans in baseball #FuckPittsburgh— Quentin____ (@craytonquentin) October 10, 2013
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Verdict: BIAS VALIDATED