Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you may remember me from such baseball films as "A Head for the Game, the Jose Canseco Story" and "Son of Morganna, the Kissing Bandito." Today I'd like to present to you ... the future perfect manager of the Milwaukee Brewers.
Our scientists performed an extremely in-depth study of the perfect attributes a manager should possess, and painstakingly worked to assemble them all into one skipper. They kept all of the best pieces of the legends of the game, and removed the nasty bits that might make them bunt with two outs or get drunk and steal the bullpen car. When activated, our manager should be able to extract the maximum amount of wins out of any roster he is given.
Let's see the science, shall we? Here are some key essentials required for our manager:
[Dusty Baker's] World Series and consistent post season appearances may be evidence that his leadership makes up for his in game deficiencies.
- Dunhawk Steve
Naturally, the manager needs to be able to lead his team on the field and tell his players what to do at crucial moments of the game. If it weren't for a manager players would just be running willy-nilly and the balls and bats would never get anywhere! When we extracted Dusty Baker's leadership essence it ended up being distilled into a toothpick and a soulpatch, evidently the only ingredients required to keep players on track.
Pitching Staff Management
There is certainly a knack for managing your staff which balances winning today and keeping guys healthy for 162 games. There clearly is no common wisdom about keeping your staff healthy and effective ... but, there are managers who are clearly better at keeping staffs healthy and fresh (Joe Torre).
Right you are, jimf. Pitchers will just plain throw their arms off if you don't use them wisely. Some guys think they can throw a thousand pitches, some guys are so touchy they will only pitch once every five days. Pitchers! Who can tell? Well, Joe Torre can, and he has a nose for knowing when a pitcher will be effective, so his nose has been used to anchor the center of our manager's face.
Postgame Conversation Skills
A manager must be able to come up with meme-worthy gems like "You guys have no concept" and "The math favors us". Sheer obliviousness is important here, obviously. Said manager must never give a truly honest assessment of his decision-making or learn from previous mistakes.
Oh, and the ideal manager should also be able to do everything with a giant cheekful of chaw, ala Harvey Kuenn.
- Brew Angel
The ability to manage a post-game press conference is essential to keeping the press from devouring your players' confidence. Sometimes, when it's just crazy enough, the right quote can run those reporters into circles biting their tails. As an actor I can tell you, good presentation is at least as important as a happy ending. If you are quotable enough you can lose a hundred games without people ever getting around to figuring out why!
For consistent, cliche quotability and a lexicon that excludes anything analytic, we used the food chute of Ned Yost, and inserted in the side of that obfuscating maw a large wad of Red Man tobacco. When you run out of clever words you can always punctuate your statements with well-aimed tobacco juice!
Demeanor and Sabermetric Savvy
One, a general calmness and easygoing-ness of personality that can help smooth out differences and give some breathing room in the clubhouse and also help players (especially young ones) ride out the highs and lows and pressures of a long big-league season.
Two, friendliness toward sabermetric principles. He doesn’t have to abide by them – in the end, he knows his players lots better than any of us do, and they’re not baseball-playing robots (yet) – but he should have an open mind and not constantly and brazenly do things that are clearly, inarguably stupid
And here's the framework we're looking for. Someone who isn't rattled by the peanuts and crackerjack, and focuses on the things his players are capable of, without feeling like an inhuman robot roaming the dugout looking for lesser players to kill off to make room for younger talent. That framework is Joe Madden, with the eyes and ears of Ron Roenicke to see the action on the field as it is happening.
At least occasionally you need an ass kicker. Even keeled is generally an asset, but a couple of times per year a manager has to be able to be terrifying on command.
- Ted Simmons Speed Camp
Right you are, TSSC. Like the family dog, it's wonderful to have a loyal pet that will bring you box scores and pet your ego, but every once in a while when a dastardly umpire is lurking around your home, you need that rabid maniac to take over and bite peoples' ears off until he gets his way. Challenges are for lesser managers, the real kings of the dugout are the men who have a switch in their heads that turns them into ferocious, swearing monsters who kick dirt, scream until the veins pop out on their necks, and throw everything in the dugout that isn't nailed down onto the field in protest. So we included that deadly brain switch from Lou Pinella - look out, Joe West!
I'd want a manager who kept the clubhouse loose by showing Futurama before the game.
- Yar Nivek
Well who wouldn't? The creators of Futurama are responsible for some of the most charming and humorous characters ever to appear on television.
Ah yes, nothing could keep a team more at ease by having him create chatter and call the game from his own personal head-in-a-jar.
So here we are, with all of our ingredients. I'll skip the boring process of describing the actual construction, but let me assure you that it included a team of scientists and an expensive laboratory, with consulting oversight provided by a team of retired, gritty baseball men.
Here you are, the perfect BCB Brewer's Manager:
The last thing left is for you, the viewers, to give him a proper name.