FanPost

Expansion and Contraction Humor

Associated Paradoy (Nashville) - November 18, 2020 - In a press conference at the winter meetings, Commissioner Mob Ranfred and Commissioner Emeritus Sud Belig announced the two newest expansion teams to Major League Baseball; the Montreal Expos and the Portland Explorers. The final four cities left in the bidding also included Las Vegas (name Hold'em) and Vancouver (name Whales).

Ranfred praised all four cities for their strong bids and proposed fleecing of tax payers with 100% publicly funded stadiums. "When it came down to it, we just decided that Portland was a better fit than Vancouver because the exchange rate just isn't that great right now. We could overlook it for Montreal, but not two Canadian cities. The history of the Expos brand and our guilt in letting Leffrey Joria destroy baseball in Montreal in the early 2000s was a key factor in the decision. We could look past the exchange rate in this case because we need to make sure we're righting our wrongs before we meet our maker."

When asked why Las Vegas was the odd team out Ranfred noted; "The history of baseball and gambling is long and tenuous. The Black Sox scandal still is ever present in our thinking. We see hockey thriving in the market, football draws huge crowds, and even basketball is expanding, but we're just not convinced bookies and the mob won't get to our player. All that, and you know, then we might have to reconsider Pete's request for reinstatement. That just isn't going to happen under my watch."

Ranfred praised Belig's help in continuing his years of service in helping the cities of Montreal and Portland pass funding bills that will finance their state of the art, billion dollar facilities. He also praised Belig's work in previous years in the same capacity helping to finally get new stadiums in Tampa Bay and San Jose. "Without Sud's continued passion for expanding the long term viability of baseball in Western Florida and his tireless approach in working with Bay Area cities in coming to stadium resolutions, we never could have gotten to a point where we expanded. Those stadium issues needed to be resolved before we could start asking other cities to publicly finance new stadium projects."

When asked if he felt that billionaire Aul Pallen and corporate owner HMO Barris should have contributed something toward their new facilities, Belig responded; "The expansion fee of $700 million we thought was quite fair, but to ask each party to put more money towards financing their new stadium, that's just unfair."

Each team is set to start play in 2022 with realignment and expanded playoffs a foregone conclusion. It is widely speculated the new league configurations will be:

AL West
Los Angeles Angels
Portland Explorers
San Jose A's
Seattle Mariners

AL North
Minnesota Twins
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Detroit Tigers

AL South
Texas Rangers
Houston Astros
Kansas City Royals
Tampa Bay Rays

AL East
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Baltimore Orioles
Toronto Blue Jays

NL West
San Diego Padres
Arizona Diamondbacks
San Francisco Giants
Los Angeles Dodgers

NL North
Chicago Cubs
Milwaukee Brewers
Colorado Rockies
Montreal Expos

NL South
Cincinnati Reds
Pittsburgh Pirates
St. Louis Cardinals
Miami Marlins

NL East
New York Mets
Washington Nationals
Philadelphia Phillies
Cobb County Braves

Also speculated is the expansion of the playoffs to a wild card, divisional, league championship, and World Series format with 3, 5, 7, and 7 game series respectively.

Notes:
The former Atlanta Braves formally announced their name change to the Cobb County Braves earlier in the day. The announcement was expected after 2 years of court proceedings where the city of Atlanta sued the team's use of the city name. Atlanta's mayor went on record at the time of the lawsuit saying, "If Cobb County wants them, they can have them. But they can't have our name. We respect people in Atlanta and we don't want anything to do with what that organization is doing to those fine people in Cobb County."

The White Sox finally announced a demolition date of Comiskey Park/US Cellular Field/Guaranteed Rate Field/No corporate sponsor field on December 31st. Team Owner Rerry Jeinsdorf was quoted as saying; "If you think Disco is Dead Night was explosive, just wait. This will be better than any fireworks display at Navy Pier, I guarantee you that." The White Sox will play their home schedule for the next three seasons in Milwaukee while their publicly financed stadium is being built. When asked about the decision to play in Milwaukee rather than share a temporary home with their neighbors on the north side, Jeinsdorf said; "After they've won 3 of 5 titles do you really think I'd let my team be over shadowed by the North side jerk stores? I'd rather my team play in Milwaukee where their fans are knowledgeable and Mr. Anttanasio doesn't rub my face in their new title. It really was a joy to see them sweep the North siders out of the playoffs this year and their epic 7 game series with Yankees. That Braun walk off shot will be talked about for decades. He might be gray haired and a liability in left, but the man can still hit"

Associated Paradoy (Nashville) - November 18, 2020 - In a press conference at the winter meetings, Commissioner Mob Ranfred shocked the sporting world by announcing the Oakland A's and Tampa Bay Rays would be contracted effective immediately. In a statement, Ranfred noted that both organizations had been working for years on new stadium deals or the possibility to relocate. Not able to legally get out from under their stadium leases the cheaper option was to fold the franchises.

When asked of the decision, Dilly Deane said, "It is a sad day for sure, but let's face it, no one wants to come to our games, and the product on the field hasn't lived up to our previous Moneyball days. Everyone caught on to us years ago. In the end, what baseball is paying us to go away is worth far more than the headaches of trying to work with San Jose, Oakland, and San Francisco on territorial rights."

In other news, the prince of darkness emerged from the netherworld in a parka and pack boots, and swine of all variety have been seen levitating throughout the world.