If you watch enough baseball you'll inevitably hear about how some team must somehow "grow up", "mature", or otherwise "come into their own." These sorts of statements have floated around the Cleveland Indians since at least 2005, the year when a group of young and gifted baseball players began to find their way onto the diamond at Progressive Park: elder statesman Victor Martinez, Rafael Perez, the unshakable Fausto Carmona, Asdrubal Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta and his chiseled jawline, Kelly Shoppach and, of course, our own personal gun in a knife fight, Grady Sizemore. These players have enthralled and tormented us with their potential for greatness; we'd be well advised to remember that we are watching both them and the entire Tribe grow up before our very eyes. It's like you have a neighbor-call him Doug-that you're able to observe through all the wonder and suffering of becoming an adult. Here, the events in Doug's life that correspond to the Indians' maturation. 

One of these people might be Doug.

Wednesday April 26, 2005: The Indians lose their second straight game to open the season. The Indians lead 3-0 heading into the bottom of the 9th. Bob Wickman, the Indians' closer, enters the game and unceremoniously gives up 4 runs while recording just one out. Wickman's ERA swells to 108.00 as Paul Konerko and Jermaine Dye hit back to back homeruns and Wickmand takes both the blown save and the loss.

(8th Grade) It is Doug's first day of 8th grade. The excited 13 year old rushes to the closet to put on the outfit he pre-selected for this special day. Flinging open the closet doors, Doug sees his father on the floor of the closet, stone drunk, wearing the pre-selected school clothes.

Oops.

September 22, 2005: A little over a month ago, on July 19, the Indians found themselves 15 games out of first place. Now, in the midst of an absolutely torrid two month stretch, the Tribe has cut the margin to just 1.5 games, surging on the backs of their young superstars. On this day the Indians win their 90th game of the season, beating Kansas City 11-6. Grady Sizemore goes 5-6 with 2 doubles, Jhonny Peralta goes 2-4 with a walk, and Cliff Lee wins his 18th decision of the year.

(9th Grade-Early Fall) Doug has had a really, really good two months. He thought high school would be tough but it's actually been a blast. The first day of school the cutest girl in the senior class asked him to be her prom date the next May. Then, Sports Illustrated runs a cover article calling Doug "America's best hope for a gold medal in every event." Kids around school have stopped using the word "Awesome" and instead just say "That's so Doug." Finally, Doug learns how to weave on a loom and makes his mother a shawl, which she loves.

Grady is the musician. 2008 is the lamb.

October 2, 2005: Cleveland loses the last game of the season, missing the playoffs. In the final two series of the year, Cleveland loses 2 of 3 to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a team that will win 67 games, and are swept by the Chicago White Sox. This collapse leaves no innocents: in the loss to the Royals that sparks the skid, Grady Sizemore loses a long fly ball in the sun, allowing the winning run to score.

(9th Grade-Late Fall) The free concert that Doug organizes to benefit a wrongly convicted felon fails when the felon reveals he was not wrongly convicted. Suspected of being an accomplice, Doug is arrested at the concert site when The Beastie Boys, from on-stage, start a "DETAIN DOUG" chant that inspires concert attendee Henry Kissinger to disable Doug using only a necktie and a block of Muenster cheese from craft services. Police cuff Doug and lead him away. In the squad car on the way to the station Doug poops his pants.

Scott Sauerbeck's arrest. 

2006: The Cleveland Indians start slow and never speed up, finishing 78-84 just one year after nearly winning the Wild Card. While many of the Indians young core excel, Jhonny Peralta notably struggles. After the season Peralta will have Lasik surgery to correct his vision.

(10th Grade) Doug has problems but they're normal: zits, braces, bad haircuts and older kids making fun of him because of that one time that he pooped his pants riding in a firetruck, or something like that. There are small victories, of course: he learns to play two John Mayer songs on the guitar and Grady Sizemore slugs .533.

He's not coming unless you ask.

2007: The Indians, in what looks like a breakthrough year, win 96 games, the AL Central and the American League Division Series against the New York Yankees. The Tribe seems poised on the brink of greatness as they go up 3-1 over the Boston Red Sox before, well, you know.

(11th Grade) It's a great junior year for Doug-he becomes star of the basketball team as he shows an uncanny ability to sink three pointers from all over the court. All seems perfect until it's revealed that Doug is using a special magnet/remote control system to dominate the game. Further embarrassment follows when it's revealed that Doug stole this devious plot from the film Air Bud 5: Golden Deceiver. As he flees the basketball arena, Doug knocks over two strollers; the babies are fine but as Doug places them back into their carriages he accidentally reverses them. Both children will grow up feeling sadly distant from their families and in their adult lives will have trouble making meaningful connections with others.

Karch Kiraly biopic. 

2008: Needs no repeating.

(Summer Before 12th Grade) Like a lot of kids, Doug gets a job before his senior year: he's going to work as a car mechanic. Before he starts the job, everyone thinks "Hey! Doug's going to be great at that! He spent most of his free time last year fixing cars and he did a terrific job!" But, when the job starts, Doug is terrible. Just awful. Twice, cars that Doug has worked on explode as the owner is driving them out of the shop. A big part of the problem is that Doug has hired this group of guys to help him fix the cars on demand-he calls these guys the FuelPen. The problem is every time these guys are supposed to be helping Doug out they mostly just damage the car-sometimes they hit the car with their tools, other times they throw baseballs and let big, strong men hit them as hard as they want, right at the car. Mostly though they just pour gasoline all over the car, themselves, Doug, and the Cleveland Indians' 2008 season.

Typical Indians performance in innings 7-9.

2009: Indians win World Series.

(12th Grade) Doug plays for Indians and wins World Series.