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"Trew To The Game:" Comedian Chris Trew Visits Miller Park For The First Time

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Chris Trew is a New Orleans-based comedian and sports fan. Chris asks that if you think he’s cool you follow him on Twitter (@christrew).
Chris Trew is a New Orleans-based comedian and sports fan. Chris asks that if you think he’s cool you follow him on Twitter (@christrew).

EDITOR'S NOTE: New Orleans-based comedian and sports fan Chris Trew was in Milwaukee last week for the first time and on Friday night he made his inaugural visit to Miller Park. He was kind enough to share his experiences below. - KL

I'm a live sporting event junkie. I'm also lucky and I'm smart. Lucky because I get to travel around the country performing comedy and I'm smart because I try to route my schedule around home team baseball games. That explains why I'm currently on an airplane flying from New Orleans to Milwaukee. Tomorrow night I'll be watching the Brewers play in Miller Park, Milwaukee for the very first time. Think of me as the Bob Uecker of New Orleans except I was on two episodes of Bad Girls Club and not Johnny Carson.

First, I must prepare myself. There's no free wireless on this flight unless you want to browse so I search for a book about the Brewers. I learn pretty quickly about that time the Milwaukee team left for Atlanta and that just adds to my probably irrational distaste for the Atlanta Sports "Scene". The Falcons are Enemy #1 (because of my relationship with the New Orleans Saints) and if this Milwaukee experience goes well then maybe I can finally justify not liking the Braves.

Then I get to facts about Miller Park, my favorite of which is "The park's weight is 500,000 tons which is equivalent to 62.5 million 16 pound bowling balls." 500,000 tons is pretty impressive sounding already so there really isn't any need to add more to that statement. Also, it would be equivalent to 62.5 million 16 pound anythings.

62.5 million 16 pound Paul Monltor bobbleheads
62.5 million 16 pound glossy headshots of Bud Selig
62.5 million 16 pound anythings

Another fact to add to my list came from two different bartenders, a guy on the bus and a casual fan at a restaurant - Be thankful the Cubs aren't in town anymore because going to games with Cubs fans is a nightmare. I hear you loud and clear, Milwaukee!

The next day I successfully navigate multiple buses on my way to the game. There's some loud kids wearing Philadelphia Soul jerseys because these party animals are heading to see some Arena Football. I seriously consider skipping the Brewers game (just kidding). I'm excited because Google Maps has me arriving via Hank Aaron walkway but my small time on said path reveals no fun plaques or mentions of the hall of famer. I seriously consider graffiting some Hank Aaron stats on some nearby building (just kidding).

I arrive with about an hour to spare before the first pitch. After I circle the park, reading every plaque and staring at decent number of tailgaters hoping they invite me to their club, I head inside.

Follow the jump for much more!

At first the park reminded me of a shopping mall but don't take that the wrong way. There was just so much more going on than I'm used to. Within 5 short minutes I resisted the temptation to destroy some brat kids Race to First Base record, sit in a giant glove, AND take part in some bizarre Great Sausage Race cycling game. The shopping mall feel went away as soon as the game started and people were out and about.

(Side note, the importance of the Great Sausage Race would be slowly revealed to me over the course of the game. First I saw a confusing t-shirt that I thought was referencing the game, then I saw an entire rack of confusing shirts and then I witnessed 32,000+ people rise to their feet to watch some sausage characters run around)

Corey Hart crushed a homerun in the first Milwaukee at-bat of the game and there was so many celebration traditions going on at once it was difficult to take it all in. Luckily I got my chance as the Brew Crew smashed many more. I was able to focus on the fireworks (Martin Maldonado), the scoreboard (Corey Hart again) and that mustached man sliding down that crazy slide (Taylor Green). Has he ever built up so much momentum that he fell off the slide? Does everyone from out of town ask that?

Speaking of Corey Hart, certainly some Milwaukee wrestling fans call him Corey "The Hitman" Hart, right? Is that dumb? Am I doing that dumb thing that non-locals do again? If I'm not, his homeruns should be referred to as Sharpshooters from now on.

I wish I could have seen the downtown skyline better from the park but I'm sure there's a reason why that's not possible. My disappointment with the view was more than made up for with the playfulness of the Milwaukee fans (very important to me as a visitor and neutral party) and the "section security" who didn't seem to mind that I was testing out a new seat every other inning. I'm not a jerk, I just really like getting a feel for everything, ya know?

This was definitely an enjoyable game. There was all that offense, there was the time the center fielder allowed an inside-the-park homerun, there was that time I got that surprisingly large meat and potato parfait.

Milwaukee, I wasn't sure how we were supposed to feel about each other in this wonderful world of Sports. Your Packers and my Saints have both been pretty good for the past couple of years but we're not really close to being any sort of rival. Your Bucks and my Hornets don't really have any beef at all. I guess you guys don't like the Astros and they're the closest thing New Orleans has to MLB. So I guess we're cool? I hope so. I think you're cool. I'm happy to cross another major league ballpark off my list but I'll definitely be back.

Thanks for having me,
Chris Trew

Chris Trew is a New Orleans-based comedian and sports fan. His writing and his campaign to become the owner of the New Orleans Hornets can be found here. Chris asks that if you think he’s cool you follow him on Twitter.