SELL OUT! A Symphony in Twenty Parts: Nyjer Morgan Edition

In case you missed part 1, wherein we explored the reasons for and against trading Manny Parra.

Hi! My name is NYJER MORGAN. And here's why you should trade me!

2012/Career vitals: In 2012, his .292 batting average on balls in play has created an anemic .242/.309/.303 slash line. (SPOT THE TREND! In 2010, when he hit .253/.319/.314, Plush's BABIP was .304. In his two best seasons, 2009 and 2011, Plush's BABIPs were .355 and .362, respectively.) He's got four doubles, no triples, and two homers, and has an impressive 27 TOOTBLANs* in just 62 games. For his career, Nyjer goes .263/.323/.350, and he's accumulated 12.7 fWAR (no foolin') in 523 major league games. He also may or may not have robbed Jim Riggleman of his sanity.

* Given Plush's all-too-frequent adventures on the basepaths, I'm hereby requesting that we modify TOOTBLAN -- that's an acronym for "thrown out on the bases like a nincompoop," for the uninitiated -- for Nyjer. I'm thinking MORGBLAN, an acronym for "Made Out Running G*ddamn Bases Like A Nincompoop" (h/t to Mrs. Q). If you're got other suggestions, I'm all ears.

Contract sitch: Plush was eligible for arbitration for the first time this past offseason, and he earned himself a cool $2.35-million, one-year contract with his excellent 2011 campaign. He's got two years of arbitration left.

DEAL ME NOW! OK, OK, OK: dealing Morgan now would mean selling very low on a player that the Brewers got for peanuts (no offense to Cutter Dykstra). But consider: even with his awful start to the 2012 season, Nyjer has still been worth 0.3 fWAR. And his low BABIP might be attributable to rotten luck: his batted ball percentages aren't far off his numbers from last season, but his batting average is 60 points lower. He can play all three outfield positions, he flourished on a winning team last year, he's toned down the crazy, and he hasn't started a bench-clearing scuffle in like ten months. And, as KL told you in the Mug this morning, he's got a six-game hitting streak, which is kind of impressive or whatever.

Please don't read this part, opposing GMs: OK, OK, OK: with all that said, Nyjer really doesn't have a place on the roster, especially at his salary. Nori Aoki gives you everything Nyjer does -- left-handed bat, good table-setter, can lay down a bunt because that's apparently something we have to do five freaking times a game now -- and more (Nori can hit lefties, isn't prone to stomach-turning lapses in judgment, etc). And, perhaps most importantly of all, Aoki costs half as much.

Fill in the blank: Nyjer Morgan is worth his weight in: Tylenol.

Gratuitous note about the HBO Original Series Girls: Here's the thing about Girls: I think it's well-written and clever and it's remarkable that Lena Dunham was able to create something like this when she's only 26 years old. But it makes me feel really old, because: I don't get it. I think Girls is supposed to be a window into the psyche of the generation that's about six or seven years younger than me, and, if that's the case, I think I hate them. Like: all of them. And that makes me feel crappy, because I'm 31 and I shouldn't feel like telling these whippersnappers to get off my lawn without any sense of irony.

Plus, the other thing: ever since I found out that the young lady who plays Marnie is NBC newsman Brian Williams' daughter, all I can see when I look at her is Brian Williams. And I hear Brian Williams narrating everything she does in my head, like: "Good evening, I'm Brian Williams and my daughter is now going to make out with another girl." "Good evening, I'm Brian Williams and you're now going to see the side of my daughter's boob. Shame on you."

I think I'm probably done with this show.

Why Doug Melvin probably won't trade him: Because he's not going to find what he perceives to be reasonable value in return for Nyjer on the market. Or because he hopes that hanging onto Plush will convince the @Not_Tony_Plush twitter account to come out of its long hibernation. #BringBackMustacheInTheSky

How desperate should we be to move him, on the Rubie Q Patented Trade This Slug-O-Meter: I'm torn on this one: we'd be selling low on Nyjer, but I'm not sure he's worth much more than a Cutter Dykstra-type anyway. And I know that we can't afford to pay a fourth outfielder $2.5 million next year. Sell, I say. Mark it 8, dude.