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Vote for me as MLB Commissioner!

I make my case to be the new MLB Commissioner.

Bud Selig in awe of Derek Harvey's awesomeness.
Bud Selig in awe of Derek Harvey's awesomeness.
Rob Carr

The vote for the new MLB Commissioner is taking place right now. One needs 23 votes to win and as of right now Rob Manfred has 22. If he cannot secure that final vote I'm not sure what they'll do, though I don't think it'll get to that. You ask why? Because I'm throwing my hat into the ring baby! That's why.

I know I'm kind of late to the party. It's all part of my plan. You see, the owners have had tons of time to decide who they want as their new commissioner and they can't come to a consensus. Then they're going to see my flashy TEN POINT plan for Major League Baseball and fall over themselves to vote me in! Check it out:

  • I would change the home run derby to include four groups. There would be the NL hitters, the AL hitters, the MLB Legends faction (this would be retired players that want to participate), and then my favorite part: The Hometown Heroes. These guys would be non-professional players. To be eligible, one would have to not have played a single MLB game nor have been a member of an affiliated team for 2 years. These people would have to try out so that no one enters that just has no chance whatsoever. Women are eligible. Think how much more interesting an HR Derby would be with a finale featuring Barry Bonds and Joe or Debbie from the local CostCo. I mean, it can't be as boring as the HR Derby is now, right?
  • I would make it so that as long as they're able, Vin Scully and Bob Uecker call each All-Star game. No one wants to hear the guys that have been calling it, keep calling. If we're being honest, no one is even really that interested in the game to begin with. Think of the amazing tangents these two together could go on. Seriously, how has this not happened already?
  • I would bring the DH to the National League. I know, I know. I'm a monster or a savior depending on your point of view. I'm sick of seeing pitchers tweak something when they flail around with a piece of wood. They're not athletes. They don't play every day. The injury risk is much higher with pitchers hitting than with position players. I know everyone wants to see Bartolo Colon swing a bat and watch Yovani Gallardo win a game on a pinch hit walk off double. But let's be honest. Pitchers hitting is awful. And don't give me the sanctity of the game BS. The original role of a pitcher was to lob the ball for the hitter to put in play. The game has changed way more in the past than eliminating pitchers hitting would change it now.
  • I would do more to effectively end intentionally throwing at hitters than anyone has ever done before because no one has ever done anything. It would be quite simple too. If it's decided that a pitcher has intentionally thrown and hit a batter, then that pitcher is suspended without pay until he has successfully taken and passed an anger management course approved by Major League Baseball. This practice would extend to other crimes as well. Drunk driving? Suspended + substance abuse classes + rehab if needed. Domestic abuse? Suspended + anger management and psych evaluation. PEDs? Suspended + substance abuse classes. You get the idea.
  • I would stop sending teams across the globe in March to begin the season early in a poorly planned attempt to BRING BASEBALL TO THE WOOOOOORLD!!! Teams are always complaining about it messing up their early season and I'm not sure anyone really cares about it. Instead, I'd invite teams from other countries to play against MLB teams during spring training. That way it's not two teams from North America playing to slightly interested crowds. Those countries would be more interested to see their own teams play. It would make spring training a lot more interesting for stateside fans too, I would think.
  • I would bring back the "Ball in Glove" ice cream from my childhood. You guys/gals remember that stuff? The baseball was a gumball. It was awesome.
  • I would pour millions into technology that would allow us to mute that one guy in the crowd who just won't stop heckling your team when they're losing by 8 runs in the 8th inning.
  • I would make it illegal for broadcasts to mention Pitcher Wins and Fielding Percentage. I hate those non-stats. I'd also create a swear jar for broadcasters, but instead of putting money in it for cussing, they'd do it when they mention RISP numbers. The money would go to funding education.
  • I would ban baby eating in Missouri.
  • And finally, I'd bring in the robo umps. It's time. Do I really need to make an argument for this? We have the technology. Why aren't we doing this already?
Pretty amazing, right? I know. All that's left to do is wait for the votes to come pouring in. Do not worry my dear plebeians. I shall not forget you little people.