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2015 Brewers Fan Holiday Gift Guide

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Not sure what to get that special Brewers fan in your life? Need some extremely bad ideas? Your boy's got you covered.

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Look, you know where to buy the t-shirts, jerseys and ties. You know where to get the preposterously overpriced Hank the Dog gear, the set of team logo draught glasses and the framed prints. No one wants I don't want any of that stuff -- I've got enough Brewers gear to go several months without doing any laundry, especially if I don't wear any pants (note: you should almost always wear pants). In this gift guide, I dug through some truly remarkable pieces of Brewers memorabilia to bring you the very best the internet has for sale.

1996 Opening Day Magnetic Schedule: $5

Brewers Schedule

I know what you're thinking. Travis, what on earth could anyone possibly want with a 20-year-old magnet? Well look, I can't tell you how many times I popped over to the fridge to grab a tasty beverage this season and, upon seeing the 2015 schedule magnet, wondered to myself, "Well, that's fine, but I wonder who the Brewers were playing on this day in 1996." If you're like me, your prayers have now been answered. If you've got a baseball fan in your life desperate to relive the glory days of that 80-82 Ben McDonald-led squad, I've found the perfect gift.

Authentic "Mr. 3000" Brewers Jersey: $29.95

Mr. 3000

Who can forget this classic Bernie Mac vehicle about a washed-up star desperately trying to get back his milestone 3,000th hit? Well, probably pretty much everyone outside of Brewers fans who remember the filming at Miller Park, and probably Bernie Mac's family. Remind your friend who's obsessed with The Original Kings of Comedy about the late comic's turn as a Milwaukee Brewer with this unique gift.

Just a dang pen with some dirt in it: $25.99

Brewers Dirt Pen

As an extreme nerd that likes to actually keep book for the recreational adult kickball team I manage (yeah, "adult kickball is a real thing that exists on purpose), I can tell you from experience that adding dirt to a pen usually ruins it, rendering it unusable and essentially worthless. Not so for the Brewers, who managed to find the correct kind of dirt that actually increases the value of this pen. The recipient of this fine piece of memorabilia will always get to wonder if she's signing checks with a writing implement that contains Scooter Gennett's tobacco spit.

Used Pencil: $12.99

Brewers Pencil

"TRAVIS STOP TRYING TO GIVE FOLKS SOME DANG STATIONERY FOR CHRISTMAS" Okay you're right I'm sorry let's move on.

County Stadium Letterhead: $5.99

Brewers Stationery

OKAY IT WAS A JOKE. Stop throwing stuff. You're gonna mess up my hair.

Large metal women's bathroom sign from County Stadium: $99.99

Brewers Potty Sign

Get this for the Brewers fan in your life that has a stated need for a two-foot tall sign indicating where the women's bathroom is. When she's angry that it's all beat up and dirty, just let her know that it is actually garbage from a building that was torn down a long time ago, and that should clear everything up.

Milwaukee Brewers Lingirie Set: $39.50

Brewers Lingerie

Nothing says, "I care more about you than I do about sports," like a custom-made set of officially-licensed lingerie. One set comes with a free g-string, which you're allowed to keep if you need to return the set! That's awful generous, since the used underwear market is booming right now. Ladies, don't think I forgot about you: your man will look very sexy in this male g-string thong, only $10.99!

1982 Brewers 8x10 Team Photo: $9.99

Photo

Okay, I've got to give you at least one earnest option. You can buy this, maybe grab a nice frame, and actually put a smile on someone's face. Probably better suited to someone who was alive at the time -- though I certainly wouldn't be upset to find this under my tree -- but for the younger generation, you can also go with the 2011 version for the Yuni B fan.

Dreaming .400: Tales of Baseball Redemption book: $5.99

Book

Fine, TWO earnest options. But that's it. Do you have a baseball fan that loves to read? Perhaps YOU are a baseball fan that loves to read ... perhaps that's why you're here. Anyway just buy a book already, jeez. Support a member of the Brewers community! Give it to your granddad and watch him get all cranky trying to use your Kindle.

Another piece of metal from County Stadium: $39.99

Bracket

Look, the entire seat I get. You can sit in the seat, it's a cool conversation piece, and it's easily recognizable, if not necessarily as being from County Stadium to the untrained eye, as a seat from a sports venue of some kind. But this hunk of definitely-obtained-through-legitimate-means metal is not something you can display in your home, unless you really like answering, "what the hell is that?" literally every single time someone enters your home. Buy this for the Brewers fan in your life who bothers you with annoying questions all the time, and refuse to tell him what it is.

2008 Stephen Chapman Brewers Prospect Rookie Card: $0.25

Stephen Chapman

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