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The Haters Guide to Hating the Brewers in 2016

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FIRE DOUG MELVIN! Oh, what? Okay, fire that guy then.

Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

It's not always easy being angry about everything. For a team that seems to be trending in the right direction, there may be times this year where it seems like everything is going really well, even though you know for sure that actually everything is terrible. For those tough times this year when you can't figure out what you should be complaining about, I've prepared a monthly calendar to help you make sure your gripes are heard. Without further ado, I present the 2016 Haters Guide to Hating the Brewers:

JANUARY: GM David Stearns trades C Jonathan Lucroy  to Texas in exchange for a Godfather package headlined by 3B/OF Joey Gallo and 2015 4th overall pick RHP Dillon Tate. Before stiffing her for not giving you her number, loudly tell your bartender at Local Irish Bar that Stearns needs to be fired immediately for trading away the face of the franchise in exchange for a strikeout artist and a nobody pitcher with two first names.

FEBRUARY: The Brewers sign 1B Pedro Alvarez to a 1-year, $4.5 million dollar deal. While making decaf coffee in the office break room and not even labeling the pot as such like a monster, tell the uninterested administrative assistant that the signing is actually bad because the Brewers should have just moved Ryan Braun to first base. 

MARCH: In a move largely aimed towards opening up a spot in the starting lineup for young Domingo Santana, Stearns still somehow grabs big value by netting C Andrew Susac from San Francisco in exchange for LF Khris Davis. Susac is actually bad because you have not heard of him, so log onto JS Online to demand the immediate sale of the team by Mark Attanasio in all caps, since he clearly has no intention of putting a winning team on the field and is using the Brewers as a cheap investment opportunity to pay off his hedge fund losses. 

APRIL: Viciously boo Matt Garza, who earned the Opening Day nod after dropping a flawless 0.00 ERA on the Cactus League, when Angel Pagan leads off the season with a double to the gap. Continue to gripe about Craig Counsell's clearly demented decision-making as Garza shuts the Giants down, allowing just one more hit over the next 7 innings and striking out 9. In the eighth inning, grab a couple of hot dogs from the concession stand, but don't put any Secret Stadium Sauce on your sandwiches because you a) hate things that are delicious and b) think hot dogs are sandwiches.

MAY: At the end of the month, Jean Segura's hot start -- which had rumors of his impending trade swirling -- is cut unceremoniously short when he suffers a hamstring injury that shelves him for a month. Angrily tweet that the Brewers medical staff needs to be fired and wonder why Counsell didn't foresee the injury and remove Segura from the 10-4 loss before the injury occurred in the bottom of the 8th.

JUNE: Yadiel Rivera is called up to replace Segura on the 25-man roster instead of top prospect Orlando Arcia, who is hitting .320 through his first 99 at bats for AAA-Colorado Springs. You and your buddies make signs at the Kohl's stand on the 400 level that read "WHERE IS ARCIA!??" and "FIRE DAVID STEARNS!!" and stand holding them up in the middle of play, shouting down the family of four who asks you to put them down so they can watch the game.

JULY: Despite missing a month due to the disastrously-timed injury, Segura plays well enough upon his return to pry a decent package out of the Padres, who are surprisingly hanging around in the NL West despite giving 50 starts to Alexi Amarista. Bemoan the move as another example of the Brewers caring more about saving money than putting a winning team on the field. While leaving Miller Park on the 23rd after the Cubs complete a three-game sweep of Milwaukee, scream, "F*** the Cubs!" in the face of a 10-year-old girl wearing a Anthony Rizzo shirsey who asks you to help her find her parents.

AUGUST: After going homer-less in his first 50 at bats following his appearance in the Home Run Derby, get extremely mad on line about the undeniable fact that selfishly participating in the event has totally screwed up Ryan Braun's swing, and he'll never be the same player again. When Jorge Lopez scuffles a bit in his third start after being called up to replace an injured Wily Peralta, make it known on Facebook that you knew all along this whole rebuilding plan was a scam from the start and all the Brewers prospects are going to be garbage.

SEPTEMBER: Led by strong performances from September call-ups Arcia and Josh Hader, the Brewers surge in the final month and finish just shy of .500 at 79-83. Enraged at the fact that Brett Phillips, who's had exactly 56 at bats at the Triple-A level, wasn't also called up, head back to the Kohl's sign-making stand, where the nice girl who works there has already prepared for you your 17th "FIRE DAVID STEARNS!!" sign, since the last time you tried to make one, you spilled your beer all over the sign a child had been working on for 20 minutes.

OCTOBER: As Ned Yost, Lorenzo Cain and Alcides Escobar secure their third consecutive American League pennant, remind your buddies who have probably forgotten since you last brought it up yesterday that the Brewers actually traded those two players away and fired that manager, and if they hadn't done that it would probably be the Brewers in the World Series.

NOVEMBER: The City of Milwaukee actually approves a proposed strip club next to the theoretical site of the new downtown arena, the groundbreaking of which has been delayed yet again. At your celebratory luncheon commemorating the impending arrival of your new go-to downtown spot, suggest that Ryan Braun should operate the club and call it PE Double-D's.

DECEMBER: When your mom texts you to ask you what you want for Christmas, reply with "How about a better freaking owner for the Brewers who won't run the team into the ground?" After a resurgent Garza is traded to Detroit at the Winter Meetings, post a picture of you lighting your knock-off Garza jersey you ordered from China that is definitely the wrong color on fire with the caption, "F*** this trader and this team, I'm done with the Brewers." Ring in the new year by fist-fighting a Cardinals fan at the club who implies that the Brewers might be pretty good next year.