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Brewers 0, Cardinals 4: Milwaukee Lackeyng offense again

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The Brewers could barely even get to second base today, reminding me of my high school dating life.

Aramis Ramirez, running at full speed to escape the tag
Aramis Ramirez, running at full speed to escape the tag
Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Win: John Lackey (1-0)
Loss: Mike Fiers (0-2)

HR: None

Fangraphs Win Expectancy Graph
Boxscore

Here is what I am choosing to believe: The 2015 Brewers are the bizarro version of the 2014 Brewers. Last year, the Brewers started off really hot, were a .500 team for a while but kept first place in the division, then fell completely apart. This year, they'll fall apart at the beginning, then play like a .500 team, then come roaring back a la the 2004 Astros or 2007 Rockies.

That's what's going to happen. I just know it.

But, for now, we'll have to sludge through the mess that currently is the 2015 Brewers. The team still has yet to win a series, despite managing to take the first game against the division-favorite Cardinals. Without Carlos Gomez at the top of the lineup Thursday, Milwaukee fell 4-0 as John Lackey did that thing that pitchers do against the Brewers where they pitch like Pedro Martinez circa 2000.

Lackey gave up just five hits over seven shutout innings, striking out eight batters and walking one. He's not supposed to be that good. But, confirmation bias says not-very-good pitchers pitch well against the Brewers. If John Lackey made 30 starts against Milwaukee, he would win the Cy Young award.

The only Brewers hitter to reach base successfully more than once was Adam Lind, who did so on a single and an error.

Mike Fiers was really good for five innings, allowing just a walk and three singles. In the sixth, though, Matt Carpenter led off with a double, then scored on a Matt Holliday single to break the scoreless tie. Holliday then stole second and scored when Mark damned Reynolds doubled. The Cardinals got a third run in the seventh, just to get that final nail in.

It's rough now, but at least we have August and September to look forward to, when the Brewers come back to make the playoffs. That will be fun. That will be nice.