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Top 10 Reasons Why The 2015 Brewers Are Awful

1. Manfred saw that they were retiring the number "1" for Selig and put a hex on the team

2. All that free wi-fi at Miller Park is scrambling the players' brains

3. They want to live out all nine misfortunes from the "Homer at Bat" episode of "The Simpsons" (as of this writing, Fiers still thinks he's a chicken and Roenicke kicked Ramirez off the team because he didn't cut off his sideburns)

4. Kris Bryant

5. Everyone is still hungover from Scooter's wedding reception (open bar!)

6. Not enough bunting

7. That damn Matt Garza gnome when it should have been a bobblehead

8. Sophomore slump for good luck charm Hank the Ballpark Pup

9. Melvin is forcing everyone to eat an order of bratchos before every game, resulting in all the players and coaches focusing less on the game and more on clinching their sphincters

10. The Cardinal Way