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FBI probe of Cardinals makes it fair to ask if they really are eating babies

The venerable BIll Plaschke presented us with pretty convincing evidence the Cardinals have hacked literally anyone you can imagine. But I don't think he's even scratched the surface of their depravity.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

For years fans have been making fun of the Cardinals. They always seem to have an endless supply of Cy Young pitchers churning through their minor league system. They always seem to hit bloop singles that add up to win games. They always seem to find a way to the playoffs. The common joke is that they employ "devil magic" and that they "eat babies" as sacrifices to pay for their ill-gotten gains. It started as a joke, but some fans began to wonder...

Were the St. Louis Cardinals actually eating babies?

Maybe not, but the feds think they might be cheaters.

The Cardinals are self-styled keepers of tradition. It's something they call "The Cardinal Way." But the men in black believe that way has led down a dark path that includes hacking. We all know computers is only a hop, skip, and a jump away from hacking limbs to toss in a soup.

There's no evidence the Cardinals have eaten babies. When asked Tuesday, the St. Louis census bureau which is responsible for recording births and deaths, dismissed speculation that the Cardinals eat babies as "absurd, disgusting, and a bit deranged," and threatened to "call the guards on [my] crazy ass."

But if the Cardinals players themselves and not some as yet unidentified front office personnel would sneak into an opponents computer, which is an actual literal crime, wouldn't they do anything else to gain a competitive edge? I decided to investigate further. And since breaking and enter is now standard procedure (oh, sick burn), that's what I did.

Some say it's illegal. I say I went looking for the truth. And what I found is more disturbing than I was prepared for. In the home office of a top Cardinals executive I found a baby eating manifesto titled, "A Modest Proposal." As if cannibalizing this country's future was a modest thing to do. In that pamphlet of sin were all kinds of rationalizations for eating little babies. It was horrifying. But if a Cardinals executive owns this cannibal propaganda, and they hacked into the Astros database, is it so hard to believe they would eat a human child?

I always assumed the Cardinals won their games because they were good and that the jokes were a from of coping with that fact. But now...Let me put it this way: I don't technically know they eat babies, but years of baby-eating jokes seem less like a coping mechanism and more like common sense.

On Tuesday I asked a professional baseball player if he thought the Cardinals could have eaten babies to gain a competitive edge against him. He said "No." But then he called the guards "on [my] crazy ass." There's that phrase again. Suspicious...

But still, one is morally obligated to ask oneself, do the Cardinals win because of "The Cardinal Way" or "The Cannibal Way?" Are they the Redbirds or the Red...um, Baby Eaters? Oh! The Blood Red Baby Eaters.

Who knows for sure. Maybe I'm just an old sports writer who's lost all sense of journalistic integrity, but if you ask me the evidence is pretty clear and damning. Please, won't someone think of the children?