On Tuesday, the Brewers unveiled their brand new alternate uniforms, which aren't quite throwbacks but are certainly inspired by the past:
There's a lot to digest here. Obviously, we've got the classic ball and glove logo featured, which is great. I fully expect it to retake the throne as the primary logo within the next three years, as the Brewers go through their inevitable rebrand that accompanies every team emerging from a down cycle. However, we have it being fused with the Brewers current look, with navy blue on the hat and jersey and the script across the chest getting the retro yellow treatment. I think I like it in theory, but we'll have to wait to see what it looks like on the field.
Of course, I'm burying the lede here, because the real story isn't what the Brewers will be wearing next year, but rather what they will no longer be wearing. Gone, hopefully for good, are the *ahem* "gold" jerseys that have been Milwaukee's alternate look for the past few seasons. The Brewers current look is generally looked upon as somewhat bland, yet inoffensive. But man, those dijon mustard jerseys were just the worst!
No. No they were not the worst.
The five jerseys below make the Brewers' alternate uniforms look like they came off the rack at Brook's Brothers. These are the uniforms that prompt your daughter to ask you, "Daddy, how come there's clowns on the field today? Is this the circus?" These look like someone handed the PS3 controller to a baby duck in the uniform design section of the Create a Franchise mode in MLB: The Show 2008. Folks, don't give your video game equipment to ducks. Ducks don't know how to play video games, and even if they did, they've got no thumbs. Really, I shouldn't need to explain this to you.
As Brew Crew Ball's leading fashion expert, I present the indisputable list of the five worst baseball jerseys of all time.
Honorable Mention: Turn Ahead the Clock Night
Look, if I allowed these uniforms to be included in the actual rankings, they'd fill the entire thing up, because there's a lot of them, and they are all absolutely brutal. This one, which resembles the pinnies you had to wear for your after-school youth basketball league in middle school, is the worst of the bunch, but if you're feeling up to it, go ahead and click through to the flickr album that's got them all. Turn Ahead the Clock Night was the brain child of the Seattle Mariners marketing department in 1999, all of whom have obviously been replaced given their recent streak of excellent fan giveaways and their dynamite social media team. The promotion spread league-wide in 1999, with 20 of the league's teams sporting monstrously bad uniforms on July 27th.
5) Miami Marlins: 2014-Present
So here's something that we know happened: The Marlins came up with this preposterous five-color scheme for their logo and lettering, and then slapped it on a white jersey which, you know, every team does. And honestly y'all, it's not that bad. It's crazy and it's flamboyant, but it's extremely Miami, and that's pretty cool. A logo and jersey set that captures the vibe of a city is something I can support. But then some jabroni came along and saw that uniform and said, "Folks, you know what? Not loud enough. Make the whole thing orange." And so we ended up here.
4) Pittsburgh Pirates: 2007
Let's get one thing right: all vested baseball uniforms are bad. I don't know who's idea this was, but that person should be thrown in jail. It was kind of a fad in the late-90s and early-aughts, and then for some reason, the Pirates decided to keep it going in 2007, by throwing together the very worst of the bunch with this red, yellow and black monstrosity. Someone's kid was watching Peter Pan and she saw Captain Hook and thought, "Hey, you know where else that look might play? On the baseball diamond." She was wrong.
3) San Diego Padres: 2007-2010
The Padres have been wearing camouflage jerseys in some iteration or another since 2007, so this isn't about the pay-for-patriotism scandal that surfaced last summer -- this is their thing and it has been for a while. Except it's a bad thing, and they should stop. And it's not because the military is bad, or I don't support them, it's because wearing camouflage when you're not actually trying to blend in with your surroundings is stupid and no one should ever do it. These are the worst of the bunch, for now, being just slightly worse than the desert-style digital camouflage jerseys the Friars have been wearing since 2011.
However, the Padres are introducing a second camouflage jersey this year, because heaven knows one wasn't enough. The new one is blue, which is fine because San Diego is well known for it's lush blue forests. Once we see in on the field, it may very well jump into this top five.
2) Kansas City Athletics: 1963-1967
First of all, hahaha La Russa looks like a such a jerk in that awful uniform. The look fits his playing record though -- La Russa hit .199/.292/.250 in 203 plate appearances over a six year career. However, this isn't just an excuse to take pot shots at La Russa, who had a career wRC+ of 57. The uniforms are truly abysmal. As we've already covered, all vested uniforms are bad, but these are a special type of bad with the big numbers on the sleeves, as La Russa -- who never hit a home run in his career -- models for us here. There's also the skinny straps at the top that look more like a waistcoat than a uniform making La Russa, who had a career fWAR of -0.6, look like some sort of bizarro-world maître d' at a hotel run by wizards.
1) Chicago White Sox: 1976
No. Why? You...listen, okay? First of all, you can't play ball in shorts. Anyone that ever thought it would be okay to slide into second base while playing bar league softball in his basketball shorts learned this lesson the hard way. So, just from a practical standpoint...no. Absolutely not. I mean...there's just so many things going on here. What is happening with that collar? Why is it so big? Why is is poly-chromatic like that? You can't have high socks with shorts! WHY ARE YOU WEARING LONG SLEEVES RIGHT NOW?!? No. No no no no no.