Hello everyone and thank you for joining me today to discuss a very serious matter. When I was growing up the world was a simpler place. Sure bad things happened during my childhood and teenage years like Ryan White getting AIDS from a blood transfusion, rampant homophobia, global warming, the first Gulf War, the Rodney King assault, the subsequent LA riots, the OJ Simpson Trial, Waco, the Oklahoma City Bombing, the JonBenet Ramsey murder, the death of Princess Diana, the death of Mother Teresa, the Columbine Shooting, 9/11, the advent of reality television. But my parents had it easy. They never had to explain Ryan Braun to me. So I'm here, five years later, to help you struggling parents out there explain Ryan Braun to your kids.
But first I'd like to thank Rich Gossage--who happens to be about 5-6 years younger than my parents--for taking this years old story out dumpster and lighting it on fire again. I don't think it's been run into the ground at all. For the three of you that don't know about Ryan Braun I'll give you a quick recap. He failed a PED test. Got suspended. Appealed the suspension. Won the appeal. Suggested the urine sample collector--who left the cup 'o pee on his desk in his baseball at his house over the weekend I shit you not--might have had something to do with the "tainted" sample. Bud Selig fired the impartial arbiter for arbiter-ing impartially. Then he went Joe McCarthy on the minor leagues, paid off a criminal for his testimony, and got enough "evidence" to suspend Ryan Braun for realsies this time. Braun served his suspension and even had some za with the pee dude as way of an apology.
Things seemingly went back to normal. But parents everywhere were left to struggle with how to explain Ryan Braun to their children. Enter noted respecter of games everywhere, Goose Gossage. Here's what he had to say about Ryan Braun in a recent expletive laden interview with ESPN that covers not just Ryan Braun but also Jose Bautista being a f------ disgrace for having fun, nerds ruining baseball, but surprisingly* nothing about Aroldis Chapman's domestic abuse allegations even though the conversation began as a discussion about the reliever:
"Ryan Braun is a f---ing steroid user. He gets a standing ovation on Opening Day in Milwaukee. How do you explain that to your kid after throwing people under the bus and lying through his f---ing teeth? They don't have anyone passing the f---ing torch to these people.
"If I had acted like that, you don't go in that f---ing dugout. There are going to be 20 f---ing guys waiting for you."
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. The best way to respect the game is with unmitigated rage and violence in the dugouts. Jonathan Papelbon gets it.
Anyway, about the matter at hand. How do you explain to your kids that a man cheated, lied about it, got caught, got punished, and then was given a second chance to make things right? I mean...how do you look your children in the eyes and talk to them like they're human beings capable of understanding what mistakes and bad decisions are? It's a terrifying thing to imagine!
Well calm yourselves. I'm here to help. Here's my advice to all you parents out there that have been struggling for the last five years about how to explain Ryan Braun to your children: Look them in the eyes, talk to them like they're human beings capable of understanding what mistakes are, and say, "Ryan Braun cheated, lied about it, got caught, got punished, and then was given a second change to make things right."
Now, if you're Goose Gossage, here's how I recommend you explain it to your kids, "Jesus f------ Christ kids, I'm a f------ 64 year old man and you, my f------ son and/or f------ daughter, must be in your f------ 20's, 30's, maybe even g--d--- 40's. What the f--- is wrong with your f------ heads that you need me to f------ explain this to you. Jesus f---!"
Or, I don't know, you could just tell your kids why you used amphetamines when you played even though you knew they were illegal.
*I mean not surprising in the least... *sigh*