Well folks, it's that time of year. Game of Thrones is returning to our televisions (or computers) and you know what that means. Time to compare our most beloved and hated MLB teams to the beloved and hated from Westeros. I'm far from the first person with this idea. In fact, the Rays' site DRaysBay wrote an article with this exact premise here, two years ago, but many of those characters are either dead or no longer similar to their teams, so I'm doing my own update to it.
Everyone used in this is still alive after the season 6 finale, and there will be some spoilers up to that point. Let me know if there are some better comparisons than what I came up with. Note that this was a huge waste of time.
Brewers: Bronn - Get it? Kinda like Ryan Braun?? Bronn is one of the most skilled fighters in Westeros, and our Milwaukee Nine (h/t Kyle Lesniewski) have one of the most surprisingly strong offenses in the National League.
Cardinals: Melisandre - This one was too easy. The Red Woman who is a pro at devil magic is perfect for the Cardinals.
Cubs: Sansa Stark - Previously young and annoying, Sansa grew to be a much stronger person and a power player in Westeros. Just like the Cubs, Sansa suffered many horrible (though enjoyable for rivals) setbacks.
Pirates: Salladhor Saan - Salladhor is a pirate, so this works. We haven't seen him recently, however.
Reds: Tyrion Lannister - As much as it pains me to give one of my favorite characters to a division rival, this is mostly due to our #OldFriend Scooter Gennett. Like Tyrion, Scooter is small, but surprised everyone with his power.
Braves: Gendry - Gendry is another character we haven't heard from for a few years, but I like to think he's out there still rowing his boat, waiting for his chance. The Braves have one of the best farm systems in baseball, and perhaps it is a matter of time that they reappear.
Marlins: Edmure Tully - I didn't have a great comparison here, but the House Tully's sigil is a fish, so I'm going with Edmure here.
Mets: Davos Seaworth - Davos used to be a smuggler, but Stannis Baratheon cut off four of his fingertips. The Mets have one of the lowest stolen base totals this year, so like Davos, they can't steal things well.
Nationals: Daenerys Targaryen - Daenerys considers herself to be the rightful queen, but has run into some troubles assembling her army. The Nationals have been hyped as one of baseball's best teams for the past few years but have not won a playoff series yet. We will have to see if either are successful soon.
Phillies: Gilly - Gilly rhymes with Phillie, and both have been kinda weak recently.
DBacks: Ellaria Sand - I wanted to use Oberyn "The Red Viper" Martel here, but he has a case of smushed head, so I'll go with his lover Ellaria. She hangs out with the Sand Snakes in Dorne's warm climate, so Arizona seems like a good fit.
Dodgers: The Night King - The Dodgers have been beasting their way through the National League this year with 61 wins at the All Star Break. Next time you see the Night King, remember that his eyes are Dodger blue.
Giants: Sandor Clegane - The Hound was one of the strongest fighters in King's Landing but lost a fight to Brienne of Tarth and was left for dead. However, he's still out there growing stronger and like the Giants, will probably be somehow destroying everyone again.
Padres: Unella - Unfortunately, the High Sparrow is dead, so Unella the Septa is our most well-known religious person in Westeros. Also, I had no idea her name was Unella, which reminds me of Padres games when I don't know who half of their players are.
Rockies: Gregor Clegane aka The Mountain - Of course the team from Colorado is The Mountain! The Rockies have a high powered offense, and Gregor might be the strongest zombie-like person in Westeros. No word on which of the Rockies players were one of Qyburn's science projects.
Indians: Bran Stark - Bran took a huge fall just like the Indians, who blew a 3-1 lead in the World Series (ppl forget that.) Still, they have come back strong, and perhaps having visions will help their strategy this year.
Royals: Jaime Lannister - The Kingslayer might have lost his hand, but he's still hanging tough. With Cercei declaring herself queen, I guess Jaime is considered royalty now. Kansas City has struggled a bit since their World Series victory, but they are still in the hunt for the playoffs this year.
Tigers: Ser Pounce - Ser Pounce is a cat, and like the Tigers this year, fairly weak.
Twins: Hot Pie - People in Minnesota love their hot dishes, so Hot Pie is what I picked. Not sure if he made one with tater tots, though.
White Sox: Lyanna Mormont - Lyanna is from the north and very young, but has a lot of potential to be great. The White Sox are currently not very good, but with their farm system replenished after trading Sale and Eaton, they also have a lot of potential.
Blue Jays: Theon Greyjoy - Theon tried very hard to make his father proud but fell short. Like the Jays, he's starting to return to his former self, but as of now is not one of the big players.
Orioles: Olenna Tyrell - Both have O names, and both have lost a lot recently.
Rays: Arya Stark - The Rays are a young franchise and Arya is young, but both have grown up quickly. Arya tried to become "no one" and while the Rays struggle with "no one" showing up to many of their games, they have proven to still be dangerous.
Red Sox: Jaqen H'ghar - Jaqen is a mysterious man and the Red Sox are a mysterious team, but both the Red Sox and Jaqen keep killing it.
Yankees: Cercei Lannister - Rich, evil, mad with power. Another one that was too obvious.
Angels: Podrick - Usually wearing red, Podrick is very loyal but is missing his best ally Tyrion. The Angels are missing Trout, but are still in the wild card chase.
Astros: Jon Snow - I put the most popular character near the bottom so that you would have to scroll all the way down here. Ha! The Astros look like the strongest team in the American League this year, which makes DA KING IN DA NORF a good fit for them.
Athletics: Tormund - Tormund has a beard that reminds me of many of those bullpen arms in Oakland, including our old pal John Axford.
Mariners: Petyr Baelish - Littlefinger seems to have a deal with everyone, just like Seattle's GM Jerry Dipoto seems to have made about a million trades with the other 29 teams.
Rangers: Benjen Stark - Benjen was the First Ranger of the Night's Watch, so I'll go with him here. Coulda been you Alliser Thorne but nooooo, you had to do some light treason.