A Series of Unfortunate Events leads to Cubs shutout of Brewers. Again.

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other recap. In this recap, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many thing happened in the lives of the nine Brewers players. Junior, Lorenzo and Christian were intelligent players, and they were charming, and they had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery, and despair. I’m sorry to tell you this, but that is how the recap goes.

CHART:

WRIGLEY NORTH: Junior Guerra, SP: +.143 WPA (6 IP, 1 ER*, 6 K, 2 BB/0-for-2, K)

REGULAR ASS WRIGLEY: Ryan Braun, 1B: -.130 WPA (0-for-4)

Recap:

This is your last chance to turn back. Just go on with your day. You don’t have to read this.

The Cubs opened the scoring in the third, and since you have seen a Brewers-Cubs game before, you already know it was stupid as hell. This time, it was a lazy pop fly to center field that Lorenzo Cain immediately lost in the sun. Domingo Santana and Orlando Arcia raced over to try to help, neither of them could, and the ball bounced off Arcia’s glove and into left. The play was laughably scored a double, and it was a cheap RBI for Javier Baez as Albert Almora Jr. scored from first.

Quintana, who has been an absolute disaster this year against literally every other baseball team, continued to easily subdue the Brewers anemic offense. He threw 7 innings of one-hit ball, striking out seven and walking one as he ran his scoreless inning streak against Milwaukee to 24 innings.

Cain was the only hitter to reach base against Quintana until the seventh, shooting a double into the gap in left in the fourth and drawing a walk in the sixth. Cain moved to third with nobody out on a wild pitch in that fourth inning, but the middle of the Brewers order couldn’t manage to put the ball in play until a Santana grounder to short ended the only threat Milwaukee mounted.

Santana, who has had a terrible April, really outdid himself today. After the Brewers finally caught a break against Chicago, an error by Baez that allowed him to reach in the seventh, Santana was picked off of first because of course he was. Hernan Perez singled right afterwards, but he stayed right there. Perez would be the Brewers fourth and final base runner as they were shutout by the Cubs for the fourth time in seven games.

The Cubs picked up a couple insurance runs in the bottom of the frame, presumably just for laughs. I had long ago turned the game off in favor of watching “Oh, Hello on Broadway” via Netflix for the 17th time, so I can’t speak to it other than to say, “Oliver Drake.”

On Deck:

The Brewers will wrap up this trip to hell Wrigley tomorrow afternoon, when they try to salvage one win for the second consecutive four-game series against the Cubs. The schedule makers have mercifully given us some time away after this, and perhaps some of these wounds will have scarred over by the time the Cubs come knocking against for a three game series on June 11.

Zach Davies will toe the rubber for Milwaukee. It’s Tyler Chatwood for Chicago. You don’t have to watch, and you shouldn’t.