FanPost

Brewers Commercial Power Rankings

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Gruber

These are not your father's power rankings. And by that I mean these go from bad to worse. I know this is a small market and the TV deal isn't huge, but man, these are bad. Like, I'd-rather-have-Geico-commercials bad.

This also doubles as a Bucks list. I guess it's more the Fox Sports Wisconsin Commercial Power Rankings than anything.

Bonus poll at the end!

10. GEMÜTLICHKEIT WISCONSIN TOURISM

It pains me to say this. I used to play euphonium in a German band not unlike the one you see in this ad. I know the words to the song in this ad. My grandfather was born in Hungary, descendants of Donauschwaben. I appreciate yodeling. Like many of you, I have some German pride. These are fine ads. But they are getting overplayed. I'm from Wisconsin, why are you targeting me? I already know that it's cool here.

Just reduce the airplay on these from every other commercial break to maybe once a game? Please? Don't make this harder on me.

9. UW-WHITEWATER

Why does a state school need to advertise itself on TV? I guess it's a small school that doesn't get network airtime like the big boys at Madison and Marquette do. But it smacks a bit of University of Phoenix or Herzing to me. I guess these aren't that bad. Just keep reading. Please?

8. JOHNSONVILLE

I'm just really bitter that they nixed Klements. I don't like Johnsonville brats. Klements aren't vastly better if I'm being honest, but at least they're in Milwaukee. And hello! Usinger's Famous Sausage! I hear about it all the time from a certain Wisconsin Meat Hall of Famer on the radio.

7. PIZZA RANCH

What is Pizza Ranch? As far as I can tell, it's Applebee's except with pizza. How did former NBC15 sports guy milquetoast announcer Craig Coshun get hooked up with them? Hypothesis: I was in Verona recently. I saw there is a Pizza Ranch there. Craig Coshun lives in Verona as of ten years ago. Ray Durham, Salomón Torres, and Seth McClung were Brewers ten years ago.

Craig Coshun went to Pizza Ranch once. Ray Durham, Salomón Torres, and Seth McClung were cool. Therefore Pizza Ranch must have given him some money and free pizza so he would be in the terrible ad they wrote for him. Solved.

6. LEINENKUGEL'S

They are owned by MillerCoors. Thus they are not craft beer. Summer Shandy is not beer. It is shandy. And I hate shandy. Get off my TV.

I remember about 6–7 years ago, some Leinie's dudes came on the broadcast to talk to BA and Rock about their "lemon berry shandy" or some garbage. Aren't you not supposed to market alcohol to little kids?

5. MAD CITY WINDUS WINDOWS

Seriously Mad City dude. Learn how to pronounce what you're selling. Full disclosure: when I go visit the folks back home, my mom always complains about these during the local news, plus they're on during games. She hates them. So now I hate them too.

4. FELDCO

For quality windows, siding, and doors, call 866... FOR F***'S SAKE! Why are there all these windows ads on Brewer broadcasts? Is this some sort of commentary on their competitive window being open? I'm overanalyzing now. Just get your stupid jingle off my TV.

3. HO-CHUNK GAMING

Shoooo-bop! Shoo-bop-shoo-bop-shoooo-bop!

Really Ho-Chunk? Is that the best stock music you can afford for your ads? With all the money you pull in? Also who are these young, attractive people gambling in your commercials? The three regrettable times I've been in Wisconsin casinos—and I'm being nice here—the patrons I saw were neither young nor attractive. Please Ho-Chunk gambling overlords, reallocate your budget from paying reasonable looking actors to purchasing better stock music.

2. HUPY AND ABRAHAM

Jason Abraham might not be the most Saul Goodman-like lawyer (more on that later) as far as personal injury attorneys on local TV go, and he might be extremely boring on camera, but come on give up the Shatner thing. We get it. You paid Captain Kirk to record 3 minutes for you in 2007 before Boston Legal got canceled when Shatner had a brief period of respectability and legal gravitas. But everyone forgot that. You're now back to being endorsed by the guy who recorded this. It was a good run, but time to drop it.

Even worse, how many Facebook contests do you have? Contests where you can vote on the coolest motorcycle picture or cutest little sports fan and win a $10 Chili's gift card? Does anyone under 45 enter these contests?

Also who puts their teenage daughter on TV for Don't Text & Drive ads? You're an awful parent, Abraham. Don't make your kids advertise for your business, parents.

1. GRUBER LAW OFFICES

Dear lord I cannot stand David Goober Gruber. I hate how his stupid face shakes like Will Ferrell doing Harry Caray every time he talks. I hate his stupid sing-song voice. I hate his stupid slogan which he definitely didn't think of and I refuse to reproduce here.

Truly, he is the closest thing Milwaukee has to Saul Goodman.

I'm not alone, yay!

BREWERS WALK OF SHAME/WALL OF DISHONOR

Whoever that was on Oklahoma Ave. who gives cash for gold, Habush Habush Habush Habush Habush Habush and someone else, Kessler's Diamonds, Chef Jerry Garcia (remember him?)

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION

Wisconsin Lottery, anything for Wisconsin Dells, all ads that appear to have been made with Windows 3.1 (surprisingly high number of these, usually about mesothelioma), Cousins' Subs

Did I miss any?

EDIT: ADDITIONS

Wisconsin Vision